What they don’t tell you about having a female designated body

 I have always believed in the power and necessity of being open and honest about everything, with friends, family, child, partner, and whoever – especially taboo and uncomfortable to discuss things like sex, sexuality, and bodily functions. It’s all the hush-hush sweep under the carpet we do – as a species I have realized not just as a culture – that leads to so much misery, physical, mental, and emotional in our lives.

And the longer I live, the more I come to realize just how much information we withhold from girls, women, and AFAB persons, about how their own bodies work, and all the ramifications of those secrets that society keeps from us. It begins from the cradle… and unfortunately continues very much to the day we die. Whether it is society in general, elders, other women in the family and around, media, or anything else, the sheer amount of information we are NOT getting is staggering. And if you think about the reasons behind it, and the results of it, it is scary as hell!

What I have also come to realize is that it’s not just a local cultural/ethnic issue. While we, as Indians, do have a huge cultural tradition of absolutely not talking about most of the really important stuff, whether it is money or illness or death or sex, I have found that we are – by no means – the only people to do so. Cultures seen to be much more open and progressive – including western nations – also have this habit of selectively excluding certain information from the general body of knowledge available to all – especially when related to female bodies.

Part of this, of course, is the sheer lack of knowledge that medicine STILL has about how female bodies really work. All medical research has always taken the male body as the default model for human, resulting in abysmally bad or totally absent information about female systems, from universal issues like PMS and basic menstrual health, to heart disease and more. But I have realized that that’s not the only conscious/subconscious planned/unplanned process going on here. There is also a universal blank-out on telling half of humanity about how their bodies really work and what they should be prepared for as common and what should draw attention.

It starts in childhood, when they don’t tell you about basic hygiene for fear that you might actually touch yourself “down there”. After all, all “female” people are supposed to exist with a vacuum below the waist in “those areas” until they get married to whatever creature their parents find to be fit and suitable. And after that, their only function is to be available at his beck and call, including sexually, whenever the lord and master commands, and produce tons of male offspring. So there is no need for the actual owner of the body to know anything about it, for fear that it might encourage knowing, exploring, and – (horror or horrors!) actual masturbation or sexual activity!

This black-out is SO powerful and all pervasive, that even the grapevine of peer groups is ignorant. Whereas boys (who also do not receive direct correct info either) have access to a host of – often bad and incorrect – info from peers, pornography, and guesswork, their female counterparts do not. Most girls grow up knowing nothing about personal hygiene, have no clue about the structure of their own genitals, don’t know anything about menstruation (except the need and ways to hide it from the world), have no clue about the female orgasm, or the possibility and normality of masturbation.

What really results, though, from this moratorium on information is not – as the stated agenda is – the purity (not even going into the massive problems with THAT) and safety of girls and women, but a massive list of health hazards and a rife environment for blind abuse. When people do not have the first idea of what is ok and normal and what is not, and are surrounded by a universal conspiracy of silence, they are in a prime position to exposure to a host of issues which the silence then prevents them from talking about or solving.

From urinary tract infections that become chronic and bloom into much bigger health issues by not being addressed and treated in time, to a myriad of reproductive health issues, also not recognized and addressed, exacerbated by the use of unhygienic methods of menstrual management, the medical issues are just the tip of the iceberg. The concerns of trans persons and other non-normative bodies are so far from being recognized or addressed that they might as well not exist. The ramifications extend to marital/domestic partner abuse, sadism, and regular rapes, which have long term mental, emotional AND physical results.

It can also manifest as underage pregnancy from a sheer ignorance of reproductive processes, and the inability to voice their need for protection to partners (because KNOWING about contraception proves that you are a BAD/LOOSE girl). Which, in turn, leads to a host of issues that are related to inability to access medical help, inability to access and the ignorance of the possibility of pregnancy termination, lack of proper counseling, and so much more.

Add to this the fact that most gynecologists are not just a part of the conspiracy, but also often seriously uninformed, judgmental, and bigoted, and the situation only gets worse. Most gynacs in India are even incapable of asking a patient “are you sexually active?” they ask “are you married?” instead. And if the answer is no, the patient is not likely to get ANY information or questions or diagnosis related to an active sex life. They will also insist on having a guardian/husband in the room, often just behind a thin curtain (if you are lucky), while examining and taking history. This makes it much more difficult, if not downright impossible to be open and honest about their issues or to ask the questions they need to. This just leaves them in the dark and at risk. And this is just the FIRST chapter in the ongoing systemic misinformation/ignorance foisted on them.

Chapter 2 is sex, whether within, before, or outside of marriage, which becomes a mine field dotted with serious dangers. Not knowing the first thing about their own anatomy, and only having the vaguest of ideas about that of their partners, the sexual experience varies from uncomfortable at best to extremely painful and abusive at worst. Most never feel an orgasm in their lifetime, not knowing it exists or not knowing how to get there because they have never explored themselves. They depend on their male partners to “get them there” and the abysmal lack of knowledge about what and how to do anything in that group does not make for a happy ending.

Since most men learn everything they know about sex and female bodies from bad porn, expectations are truly unreal, and the idea of good action is violent and misogynistic at best and cruel and sadistic at worst. The only people to profit from the situation are the sellers of fraud “remedies” to ignorant men trying to get bigger penises or last unnaturally long between penetration and ejaculation, people claiming to cure not just premature ejaculation, but also masturbation. The female body owners trapped in such a situation not only may not even realise that they are being abused, but also do not have any access to any social and legal recourse.

Chapter 3 is the concept and process of pregnancy and childbirth. The pressure for ALL women to conceive and give birth successfully is immense, socially, familially, and self-imposed through conditioning. The option to choose not to have children is a huge privilege enjoyed by too few women with a specific kind of background. The pressure starts from day one and just keeps piling up. If the event takes some time – from choice or just as a result of natural processes, the human incubator to be comes in for all sorts of intrusions and indignities. The guilt piles on too, and deep doubts and emotional issues with one’s own femininity, about being flawed, making others unhappy, and so much more.

Without adequate knowledge of the biological processes involved, the effort to conceive becomes more of a trial and error game of chance. IVF and fertility clinics, snake oil sellers, take expensive advantage of the situation to make bags of money while women get blamed not just by society and family, but also by themselves, about infertility and more. Most men will not even get tested for any problems because obviously it is always the woman’s fault. If conception does happen, neither older women who have been through the process, nor gynacs, will tell you what to really expect. The picture presented is always rosy and pink tinted, surrounded by posters of smiling babies and saint-like mothers basking in almost impossible bliss.

There will be some soft info on morning sickness and discomfort. But no one will mention the often insane bloating, the possibly constant nausea and gassiness, the extreme reaction to everyday smells that makes life a constant adventure of throw-up or just feel shitty. They don’t mention that while the doctors are on your case to gain healthy weight, you might just be stuck eating nothing but dry idlis for six straight months because everything else – with even a pinch of haldi or masala – makes you projectile vomit for hours. They will not talk about carrying around huge extra weight, being only allowed to sleep on one side which makes that entire side painful and often numb, not being able to sleep for months because the foetus decides to dance all night. No one talks about all the possible things that can go wrong, until they actually do.

If everything goes well, and one gets to the actual process of birth, that’s another can of worms. Most doctors, especially in certain Indian states, will pre-emptively decree a C-section, not giving the birth giver any choice in the matter. Not that the natural birth process is particularly dignified or painless, directly imposing a major surgical procedure on a person is just unethical and dangerous. Medical procedures are notoriously undignified, and hardly leave a person with any agency. And a C-section is no exception. From catheterising and enemas, to being cut open while unable to move from the waist down, it is no walk in the park.

Another thing no one will warn you about is after-birth fun. Everyone gossips and whispers about the fun of not having to menstruate during pregnancy, but no one tells you about the intense deluge of bleeding for some 45 days after the birth! All posters and ads tell you about the need and the experience of breastfeeding your baby, but hardly anyone will talk about baby not latching on, or lack of adequate lactation, or painful nipple cracks, or sores from the baby chewing on you, and the inability to use any medication or ointments to cure them because baby might ingest it.

Everyone “jokes” to expectant parents about no sleep for the next 2 years, but no one actually warns women beforehand of how much of a mental emotional and physical drain those first 2-3 years are going to be, how badly they will lose any independence, how they have to be practically attached at the hip to this creature, how exhausting it is going to be to be a food source, major caregiver, poop cleaner and guardian. No one mentions waking in the middle of the night to check for breathing for fear of SIDS, or post-partum depression, or just not being able to cope. And certainly no one tells you how the process is going to change your relationship with your partner, your sex life, your body, and even your basic metabolism. After all, the point is to make you WANT to procreate, not scare you off or give you room to think.

And if you manage to make it through, and survive to an older age without major complications and issues, you have the untold (literally untold since no one is going to tell you) joys of menopause to look forward to! Yes, it is indeed true that a lucky few waltz through the change without much trouble, far more are forced to suffer in silence for years, sometimes more than a decade, to various degrees, because no one can tell them what part of their experience is normal, what is extreme, or even what is part of the menopausal process and what is “imaginary”. Women used to a lifetime of tolerating symptoms and conditions any man would scream bloody murder at, of gritting their teeth and working through the pain because even basic pain meds are not available which are tailored to their needs, of never speaking of “such things” even if they are suffering, just continue to bear their symptoms in silence.

It is only if and when matters reach an extreme where the person can no longer function well, that they would garner any attention or intervention, and even then the care they get – or don’t get – will depend on the men in their lives – from deciding whether or not they get ANY care to deciding what course that care takes. Most doctors – and families - treat “women” like overreacting children without brains or agency or understanding who always complain and don’t know enough to decide anything for themselves.

It is an amazing and frightening thought that if this is the experience of fairly privileged, educated, urban women, what must others face, in far less privileged lives.