Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Marriages are made in heaven

As a culture, Indians are BIG on marriage. The whole cultural emphasis is on pairing….everything in life is geared towards it, no matter how mismatched it might be and how awful a time you may have after. The concept of CHOOSING not to get married doesn’t exist, and neither does the idea of choosing to delay it until one is mentally, emotionally, and financially ready for such a huge commitment.

“shadi to karni hi padti hai” is probably the most oft quoted ‘truism’ in India, with “shadi barbaadi” coming a close second. No one seems to see or care about the inherent paradox this illustrates. Youngsters are dying to get married… principally because it is the only socially acceptable way to be sexually active, and a few years later they are bad mouthing their spouses, staying away from home/getting involved with offspring as much as possible so as not to have to face their partners more than necessary, and looking for any and every kind of action elsewhere (largely on the internet, more’s the pity. Can’t be in a chat room these days because of all kinds of yuck).

Yet, they continue to get married, and push others to marry, in the TRADITIONAL Indian way, which, in my opinion at least, doesn’t work. Whether it is the classic never speak to each other until after you are married, or the “we are modern bhai” concept of go out a few times before the wedding, neither approach really works. After all, in the first one there is zero scope for any understanding or choice to come into play, and the second is merely a farce. After all, you don’t get to date 10 different candidates before you decide which one you will marry.

What happens is quite weird. AFTER everything is decided, and after the engagement ceremony in most cases, the two are allowed to go out a few times, and spend a little time together. All this might achieve is to lessen the awkwardness of having sex with a total stranger just because you are now MARRIED. There is no way of telling what the person is like or if the two of you are at all going to be able to coexist, because for those few hours, OBVIOUSLY, both are going to be on their best behaviour, at their sweetest and most amenable.

In addition, because everything is finalized, engagement ceremony is over and done with, and – usually – cards are being printed and arrangements for the wedding being made, not to mention the huge social pressure bearing down, it is practically impossible to reject the candidate or stop the proceedings, even if things seem a little off. Nothing short of a major issue or flaw can change things at this stage.

This blind adherence to “traditions” leads to a living hell for many members of the thinking population. Arranged marriages are notoriously callous about personal compatibility. The criteria for a “good boy”, “good girl”, and “good match” have nothing to do with the two individuals to be tied together. It’s all a matter of FAMILY. The right background, the right education level, the right parents, the right kind of money (of course), and the right kind of job; anything and everything matters much more than the ‘real’ qualities – nature, adaptability, intelligence, beliefs, opinions, and so on. After all, we proudly tell the world, an Indian marriage is not a relationship between two ‘people’ it is a merging of two families.

Whether this was ever true, and ever really happened, is more than I can say. Sociological research will probably prove that it is the greatest myth of all time. However, one thing is certain, not just in the matter of marriages, but in pretty much all aspects of our social life. That there is no such thing as a person or individual. From the cradle on, we train the ‘individual’ OUT of our kids to make them fit in, and be another cog in the huge machineries of FAMILY and SOCIETY.

Whether the Indian arranged marriage ever really worked is anyone’s guess. If it did, worked in what sense? On the surface, and for many people, it seems to work till date. But in ALL the cases I have seen, and that’s a considerable number, it seems to be more a matter of two people co-existing, of tolerating each other, of overlooking the numerous problems, of not expecting any meeting of “souls”, and occasionally having sex, rather than any kind of meaningful sharing (at least in the sense I understand the term). Sure they eventually get to care for each other….that’s only natural, given the long term proximity they share, but true compatibility is almost nonexistent.

Two widely different people, with different upbringing, sensibilities and often widely divergent natures, with no shared history and no emotional connection, are suddenly thrust into the deepest, most intimate, most important relationship two people can have. Is it any wonder that most of them haven’t the slightest clue about where their partner is coming from? The total inability to read or understand the thought processes, mentality, expectations, and sensibilities of their partner makes for a certain amount of daily stress and angst, and aids the long term coolness that exists in most couples.

Often it is worse. Sensitive, emotional, and intelligent individuals often get saddled with below average intellects and insensitive and incapable-of-comprehending twerps as partners. Intellectually inclined people, fond of poetry and philosophy and interested in actually leading a considered existence, find themselves responsible for and to people who couldn’t care less. The result? Emotional distress, psychological stress, pain, humiliation, anger….

What on earth has looks, father’s job, parents’ education, caste, class and “social standing” got to do with whether two people will make a good couple or not????


  1. Hindu Marriage earlier was considered as a sacrament under the old Hindu Law as there was no concept of separation under the Hindu Shastras other than that by way of death.Now,under the new law it has been termed as a social contract due to prevalent changes in the society.Law has now permitted divorce in Hindu marriages also.Thanks to the legislators who have framed this law to bail people out of the hazards of arranged marriage.Strangely the statistics show that there is more divorces in romantic marriages than in arranged marriages,at least sociological studies reveal so.The problem is not with the form of marriages but with the substance/quality of marriages.People are oblivious about actual love and they cannot distinguish between the thin line between infatuation,liking or love.Whats needed is perhaps the proper understanding between the prospective couples about their ideas,opinions,concepts,intellects, philosophies and mental make up.Its impossible that people can have exactly the equal level of IQ but its needed upto certain extent and proportion.Mistakes the parents make is to judge a prospective bride/groom by their own standards and requirements.They don't bother to understand about the emotional,intellectual and other requirements of their offsprings.This leeds to disastrous marriages.Our social pressure also influences the decision about the time to get married.In most cases people are not ready for such relationship.The person getting married should have the exclusive right to decide about their partners and if they find a good match for themselves parents should not interfere.Actually,parents do not even understand their own children hence they are unaware about their choice.Unless one has feelings for another love cannot happen only because of marriage and there shouldn't be any marriage without love.No one will adjust,understand,sacrifice for others without loving and caring for them. What more can I say I was interrupted in my writing session by my friend who is suffering from the ill effect of unhappy love marriage.Have to go to solve his problem.