Predators in safe spaces – The challenge of inclusivity V/S safety and comfort

Recently, a day spent at the Kolkata Rainbow Carnival 2018, brought home to me a fact I have been noticing for some time, a discomfort I have negotiated again and again in all kinds of spaces, online and off.

As a feminist, an LGBTQIA+ activist, and an Ally to all movements of marginalised peoples, everywhere, one of the first things I have always tried to find and create has been safe and inclusive spaces. Spaces and places where women, gender queer or non-binary people, trans people, asexual people, kinky people, fat people, short people, white, black, yellow, brown, mauve people, masculine women and feminine men, Brahmin and Dalit, Urban and Rural… everyone feels equally as comfortable and non-threatened as we are accustomed to making our masculine patriarchy affirming men.

Over the last two decades of my journey in political awareness, politicisation, and activism, such spaces have appeared, and multiplied. Organised under the “queer” umbrella, for example, there are now multiple events in a year where one can just “be”. My inner cosplay addict now has far more rein… as does my rainbow self… to indulge in a revelry of self-ness.

And yet, I’ve noticed something again, and again. And I am not talking here about the lack of presence of “female bodied” or AFAB (assigned female at birth) people which I have written about and discussed before, and probably will again. I am talking specifically about the issues created by the random, ever present predator and creep who crawls into these spaces taking advantage of the blanket of inclusivity, and then proceeds to prey on people (most often trans women and AFAB people who present more feminine).

I’ve seen this before in practically all LGBTetc events, and I saw it again at the carnival. There are always some people (overwhelmingly often – men) who come to these events simply as a hunting ground. And I don’t mean of the “let’s hook up in the restroom” variety but of the stalkerish, creepy, make my skin crawl variety (every AFAB person will know what I am talking about). They sidle up to trans women and feminine female bodied persons taking advantage of the friendly, open, we are all a big queer family here together vibe of the events, where everyone seems to be greeting everyone with hugs. They try to hug these complete strangers… and often succeed… because a lot of us are connected only/primarily on social media and it can often be difficult to place a face offhand, so we tend to be generous with hugs.

Then they hang around close by, jumping into conversations as if they belong, quipping and commenting, latching on to other transwomen, or feminine AFAB persons you may be talking to, and collecting phone numbers and information. I’ve seen this happen so often that I have realised this is a thing certain men do…. And I have seen the same man do this at more than one event.

At the carnival, I was the central target of one, while another was working around the event. The one who targeted me – I have never seen before. The other is a repeat offender.

Dialogues like “I am so addicted to this community (presumably meaning trans women)” are creepy as fuck… as is the blatant approaching of any “pretty” woman and flashy, decked up trans woman I spoke to. I noticed he avoided the more obviously masculine people … both cis and trans men as well as butch dykes or trans women in regular men’s clothing. The other one- the repeat offender- did his rounds and spoke to people who have probably become familiar with his face, were obviously uncomfortable around him, but equally obviously didn’t know how to deal with him.

And this brings me…every time… to what to do about these predators. Making the spaces less inclusive is not an option. We want more openness… not segregation. A person also cannot be “screened” or excluded from attending an event simply because he is cis, or straight, or attracted to trans women, or whatever. So, what can we do, as a community and as organisers, to make these spaces safer without being non inclusive?

This is even more difficult because these people are being creepy in the way that most sexual harassers are creepy… a way that cannot be quantified or – very often – even explained to people. It is a matter of feeling, knowing, long experience, and instincts, that tells me when a person is being creepy to me in a particular way, but I may not necessarily be able to explain it to others… especially to most cis-men who have no such life experiences to draw upon.

So… I really don’t know what the solution is… but I do think this is something that needs attention, something we need to think and talk about. Something we must try to figure out how to do… if we want truly safe and comfortable spaces for all of us. 

Another meaningful New Years’ Eve Event – with Provisos

New Years’ Eve last year had been spent in the open air, with my visiting brother and his wife, at the Call Against Patriarchy event at Ranuchhaya Mancha near Rabindra Sadan, Kolkata. Even though I really didn’t know many people, and wasn’t at all involved in the “scene”, I had an amazing time. I must also confess to a warm feeling of pride, being able to show my “foreign” brother and sis-in-law that we Indians, and Kolkattans, are not just sitting idly by; that we are reaching out, trying to sensitise, trying to resist, to make change.

This year, I have been a lot more active in the queer and activism spaces.  Organising Addas, volunteering for NGOs, writing for handbills, blogging, meeting people, getting involved in Pride planning, and so much more has made this a pretty good year, brain-food wise. So, what could be better than to end the year with a repeat dose of the event? And this year, I was on stage, with a few friends, attempting not to totally screw up a forum theater presentation on “intersectionality of oppression”.

Needless to say… it was amazing.  While the pleasure last year came completely from being a voyeur, this year’s fulfillment was more participatory. Also, being involved a little bit in the planning process, and doing the writing – again – I felt much more like a stakeholder this time around.

And so, my two bits as audience and stakeholder.  As audience, there isn’t a lot to be said. It all looked nice, if a little curiosity-engendering or line-blurring for many people. There was music, dance, skits, recitation, and more. Most of it was visually striking (if not always visually pleasing to the average person) and all of it brought out questions. All in all… successfully doing what it set out to do, getting the person on the street to think, question, and take a new look at the status quo.

As a stakeholder, however, there are a number of things I wish to say. Not directly negative, maybe, but things which…with a little tweaking… might have made OUR event even better. For one thing, I felt as if we didn’t have enough time, as if the planning was all a little last minute. I am sure there are extenuating circumstances, and the main organizing group did not mean to make everything so rushed. Maybe, since we all know that we want to do this every year, next year we can start the planning process much earlier?

This would have quite a ripple effect. Some of the acts were visibly or not so visibly, quite hastily put together and would have benefited immensely from more thought and more rehearsals. I include my own piece in this, because we barely had enough time to give it 3 or 4 run-throughs over 2 days, where ideally ANY theatrical or stage production should be rigorously rehearsed.  Additionally, with a little more time to work on the script, I am sure we could have fixed some of the issues and improved the overall quality of the presentation. And this is true of some of the other presentations as well, I am sure.

In addition, a bit of a mishap happened with the common literature, the content for the handouts.  While I am sure most people will not notice, and that it won’t really have very serious long term consequences; as a stakeholder I am aware of what went wrong, and wish there had been the time…the elbow room… to fix it.

And, with a little more time, maybe we could have had a sort of dress rehearsal or combined final rehearsal? That would have smoothed out issues with cuing music and so on, in my opinion. Not a necessity, of course, but would make the whole thing smoother.

One other thing I thought we could have done a little differently. Maybe someone could have curated the content a little bit? Although most of the items were on point and in keeping with the “patriarchy” and “resistance” theme of the event, including the wonderful musical presentation by the special kids who did a tri-lingual version of We Shall Overcome, some items just had nothing to do with the theme.  While it is wonderful to see so many talented underprivileged kids do so many fun things, there could have been some attempt at maintaining some sort of connect with the overall theme of the event. Given time, and a little back and forth, it is possible that some such idea could have been worked out, even within the Rabindrik, Classical, Bangla space that the performances seemed to occupy.

Another thing time, and curating, might have achieved is the optimization of duration. While some items could have been a little longer, being more dramatic or theatrical in nature and presentation, some SHOULD have been shorter. I come back again to the kids, and wonderful though they were, I personally thought 30 mins was a little too much time, even broken up into 10 min chunks as it was. In fact, being broken up, these items basically acted as intrusive wedges taking up a lot of time when the next act could have been on stage. This delayed the whole thing, and frankly, got boring after a while. There is only so much recitation and dance one can watch…from the same few kids… no matter how talented and smart the kids are.

There were some intra group issues, and some friction, which could also have been sorted out more easily and much more amicably perhaps, if we had had more time in the run up to the event. This again comes from a very personal place for me, since I care about many of the parties involved in multiple sides of these strife situations, and the mata does not like to see her cubs fight. However, it is essential for future events to be successfully organized, and for the long term benefit of the movement itself, for such issues to get sorted out.

Other than that, it was all good. People watched. Passersby stopped. People became curious. People asked questions. People got uncomfortable. People made fun. It was spectacular. It was disturbing. It was thought inducing… all the things that we really wanted to achieve. In short, it was another New Year’s Eve well spent.