When to have THE TALK with the kids

 

So called celebrities like Mamata Shankar, proving that good actors are not necessarily sensible human beings, have gone on media and stormed social media with statements about how we should NOT teach kids about Good Touch and Bad Touch. Her wild theory being that this apparently makes children sexually active. She would rather, it seems, that children get exploited and taken advantage of, raped and abused, through lack of knowledge, rather than know enough about “these things” to be able to keep themselves safe. And sadly, this is not a one off opinion, either. A large percentage of Indian, and most other nations’, parents feel this way, which is why it is such a huge struggle to introduce Comprehensive Sex Education (CSE) in schools.

A young and dear friend also called, recently, in a dilemma about how to begin talking to his growing child about gender, gender identity, and other issues, including body autonomy etc, not just to keep the child safe and healthy, but also to DEprogram the stereotypes being constantly programmed into the child from school, teachers, peers, media, and society. As a “woke” parent, I know that struggle well. If I was content with letting the world poison my child with all its stereotypes, bigotry, prejudices, and meaningless hates and suspicions, I would have to do nothing but sit back and let things take their course.

 Sadly though, I – and this young friend of mine – want more for my kid. I wanted my child to be a truly amazing human being, with empathy and knowledge, with awareness of and care for various genders, identities, orientations, just as there was empathy for the less privileged and their struggles. And in order to make sure that happened, I took the kid with me to pride marches and queer events from a very early age, being “normal” about it to make it normal for the child, and made sure to undo the stuff being fed into the mind by the surroundings.

The question, of course, was when to start talking to the kid. Most parents believe that even an 8-9 year old is TOO YOUNG for THAT KIND of talk/topics. In my opinion, all this does is make the topic mysterious, forbidden, and therefore, more attractive, while at the same time failing to create the kind of comfort and openness with the parent which would ACTUALLY make a conversation meaningful. Part of this resistance, of course, is the parent’s own discomfort in discussing anything to do with genitals, sex, sexuality, bodily functions, etc. I wasn’t completely free of that awkwardness, of course, having been brought up in this same society, but I decided to follow my father’s example, actively ignoring/overcoming my own discomfort to give them the correct information. I decided to be the kind of parent the child could take anything to, could discuss absolutely anything with, and most of all, I decided I would NEVER lie to my child.

As for WHEN – if you are waiting for them to hit puberty, or start to become sexually active, before having THE TALK, then you are already too late. Like reading, the kids need the information BEFORE they believe they need it. Just like books have to be given to children before they can read, correct and age appropriate information needs to start before they realise there is something called sex (whether as a classification or an activity). When the 2 year old asks where they came from… don’t say hospital or tree or chandamama or some such lie. Obviously you will not sit down to draw diagrams and explain reproduction to the child at that age, but you CAN reply truthfully in an age appropriate way. The child can know they came from their mother’s stomach. The doctor took them out. Etc.  

Contrary to common belief, studies have shown that comprehensive sexuality education increases the age at which people become sexually active, reduces the rates of sexual activity at a young age, reduces sexual risk behaviors (like number of partners and unprotected intercourse), sexually transmitted infections, and adolescent pregnancy. Add to this the fact that puberty is hitting as early as age 8, these days, it is all the more essential that kids have basic information about their own bodies, how those bodies can interact, and what are the consequences and dangers (as well as the pleasures) associated with that.

As for gender and identities and orientations, that conversation too needs to start WAY before the child is old enough to understand a phrase like gender identity. Conversations can be at age 2-3…when they start talking of girls and boys. One can ask… who’s a boy? How do you know? What if a girl wears shorts and has short hair? Will she become a boy? What if a boy wears a skirt or earrings or wants long hair? Which one seems more funny? Why is it funny? Can you wear a rabbit costume if you want? Then why is it funny if a boy wears a skirt? Can you decide what to wear? Then who should decide? What if you call them a boy but they think they are a girl from inside?

Simple conversations like this can undo the intentional and unintentional programming that is constantly being done to the child. But these conversations are not a one off, and they should not be made to be something heavy and “important”. Everyday, in normal conversation, bringing these things up makes them normal and casual, and normalizes all such matters for the child. Having examples also helps. Mainstream media, books, everything they see and hear, reinforces stereotypes and binary thinking. Adding books that have queer or trans characters, being around people who are different, seeing parents interact “normally” with people who look or act different from the norm can help the child to realise that people are just people, nothing to be shocked at or afraid of. Queer friends, pride events, socializing, can all aid in this.

Scheduling time each day to talk – even if it is 10 minutes, and even if the talk is about everyday inconsequential things – builds a much healthier communication between parent and child. It makes the bond strong and the communication open, so that when or if something big happens in their life, emotionally, mentally, physically, romantically, the child WILL share it with the parent. Talking regularly about the new kid in class, the stupid teacher, or the funny dog, leads to much larger and deeper conversations as they grow. You cannot ignore them for 20 years, speak only about homework and manners, and suddenly expect them to come to you with life issues when they are adults, or listen to you when you finally talk about the birds and the bees.

Trust has to be EARNED by consistent attention.