Random musings – of anti feminist ads, valentine’s days and other nonsense

Ok…so many pet peeves…so little time…. Haven’t ranted in a while… today…taking the things foremost on my mind…one at a time.

·         “ladakh ki barfili wadiyon me hum teen akeli ladkiyan (in the frozen valleys of Ladakh, three girls alone) …we were lost”  …anyone else see the GLARING grammatical error and the problematic thought process here? First the grammatical….TEEN ladkiyan AKELI kaise ho sakti hain? It is impossible for three girls to be ALONE. By definition three people means none of them is alone. So, let me get this….this is the bharatiya ABALA NAARI (helpless woman) syndrome right? Women…even if there are three of them…are alone, and helpless, without a man to take care of them and protect them? Even if that MAN is a 14 year old boy….and the women are (supposedly) more mature 20 somethings….right? hmmm… and MAGGI is shamelessly selling its crappy noodles with this. And what REALLY gets to me is I am probably the only one whose teeth are set on edge every time I hear it (in my immediate circle at least)! Am I overreacting? Probably…. But I think it is symptomatic of how little things have changed in the India of feminism and women’s rights that copywriters come up with such a line, editors and clients pass it, it is aired, repeatedly, and no one even notices! “Must we take umbrage at everything?” I can hear the detractors moaning. No we don’t. me…I don’t care if we spell it wommyn or wimmin or just plain old women. I don’t care too much if someone calls me a poetess instead of poet (simply shrug and think they don’t know better). But this one grates on my nerves because of how subliminal it is. It is just SUCH a big example of the mental processes of the writer, as well as everyone else… YES YES YES it irritates me.

·         On another track… this V-day hoopla just seems to get more and more all pervasive every year. And I can’t seem to explain to most people (thank god I know some who feel different) why I don’t CELEBRATE valentine’s day. Theories range from me being a loveless/lovelorn bitter loner to being heartless…. And unnecessarily trying to be different. Whatever man. The way I see it… I would prefer to express my love for anyone… parents, brother, friends, significant other, child, every day of my life. Would also prefer the same in return. What’s the point of not acknowledging what someone means to you for the rest of the year, and then, on a day decided and hyped mainly by greeting card companies, deciding to buy flowers and chocolates? Flowers that cost about 20 times the normal price mind you. Why not just do nice things everyday? Things that don’t cost a shitload of money, but say very clearly and loudly…I care? Like a cup of tea at the right time, or doing the washing when she’s not feeling too good, or sharing a quiet moment, or holding hands in a sad film? One “gyaani” gave me the historical defense. There is a historical context to the day, to the celebration. That’s why we should celebrate. ….don’t necessarily see that…first of all, whatever historical context there supposedly is, is from an early Christian martyr ….relevance to moi in today’s day and age?....zero. also…there is no evidence that there is any historical fact behind the ROMANTIC associations of St Valentine of Terni. Most of the current legends about secret marriages and patronship of lovers seems to be either a product of Chaucer’s imagination (quite the imagination), or extrapolation by 18^th century antiquaries. So….whaaat? I’d rather not make impossibly rich greeting card companies richer thanks. I’ll just say a quiet “love you” everyday instead.

·         With a five year old at home, I end up watching a lot of cartoons, as can be imagined. Hating, as I do, all kinds of things dubbed in Hindi, its painful for me that a lot of the cartoons are Hindi-dubbed, at least in the area I live in. I could switch language and choose the English versions, of course, but monkey kind of prefers the Hindi versions because she can understand all the dialogue, and until her English gets better, looks like I am stuck with this. It’s irritating enough to have Tom, Jerry, Bean et al spouting dialogues in Hindi. But what’s worse is things like Oggy and the Cockroaches, which in the original version has no dialogues whatsoever. In deference to the much lower IQ of the Hindi audience, or some such, the Hindi version comes complete with a voiceover and dialogues, forced into the action. And, to top it all, these are done in spoof voices which sound like certain ham actors of the Bollywood echelon. So…what is this about? Are we afraid that Hindi speaking kids are not smart enough to decipher the action from the extremely broad physical comedy going on, on the screen? Do we think they need a roadmap to find their own behinds? What? I just find it extremely patronizing and irritating. And what’s with these dubbing companies anyway? They can’t look up a dictionary if they r unsure of a pronunciation? Can we please not pronounce orchid the way it is written? It's ORKID you idiots…and its sets my teeth on edge to hear or chid or chid. And its Wilbur and Orville Wright… pronounced Or vil ….not or wi le. GOD!

·         And what’s with the movie channel subtitles these days? Is crap really a better word than shit? And how is intercourse a more polite/less vulgar word than sex? And does son of a witch fool anyone? And ass is just missing…so you smartass becomes you smart, hardass becomes hard, etc etc….that’s plain retarded man. Just bleep out the words and leave them out of the titles why don’t you? I can lip read them fine thnx…and I don’t have to spend half the time and attention of watching a serious thriller or drama laughing at your inane transmutations.

Global Good Manners are still far away for most Indians

As a culture, we don’t really learn global etiquette. The way our society is still largely structured, we don’t see the need for universal politeness. The feudal and caste hangovers (very much present today, just under the surface) make us very selective in who we are nice to. While we traditionally kowtow to our “superiors” (the thakur, the mahajan, the boss, the guru, the elder) we are notoriously callous to the “lower orders” (the junior at work, the waiter, the jamadar, the maid, the waiter, the hammaal, the list is virtually endless).

While this worked fine (or did it?) in the strictly regimented feudal system we seem unable to forget, it makes us dysfunctional in the new world order. It’s bad enough right here at home, where social-economic changes have blurred age old boundaries of categorization, replacing them with new, and still unfamiliar, categories of class. But it becomes a downright handicap when going abroad, working abroad, or dealing with foreign colleagues/friends/superiors in India.

Traditionally, the modes of behaviour for each section of society, with regard to upward and downward social intercourse, were strictly defined. Lateral social behaviour was left, in the main, up to the person. But, since lateral social intercourse was confined almost entirely within the family-extended family-business circles, it wasn’t such a big deal to be particularly polite, and all necessary guidelines were easily provided by the rules for “how to behave with those older/younger than you”. When circles expanded, to not only include non community, non family members, but non nationals or ex-nationals as well, things changed and suddenly etiquette began to matter.

Yet, there wasn’t, and isn’t (with no likeliness of being in the near future), any formal training in etiquette at the school level. Nor are these new laws of global social behaviour taught at home. As a result, most of us blunder extensively. Some of us have rubbed shoulders with “the other” for long enough, and imbibed enough of the exposure available today, to realize how important etiquette is. So, they try to learn on their own, from various sources, not excluding soft skill classes. However, most still don’t seem to care, and not only ruin the impression they make, but bring a bad name to the entire “Indian” community around the world.

So what do we do wrong? Where do I begin? It can be as basic as not knowing when to use Hello versus Hi. For example most “yo type” Indians have given up the Hello altogether, even in formal situations. While this usually passes muster in the local context, in the case of a foreign posting, an interview, etc, it can be an impression ruin-er. Hi is for friends, intimate circles, family, informal situations. In an interview, or when being introduced to someone “important”, hi just wont do! Hello is the only greeting for formal or important occasions.

We also have no concept of basic etiquette when someone asks “how do you do” or “how are you”. First of all how many people realize that “how do you do” is not a question? If someone says “how do you do” it’s a greeting…like hello….they are not asking the state of your health or life, so don’t tell them. The correct response is “how do you do”. If someone says it, you say it back. On the other hand, should someone say “how are you” or “how are you doing” you reply with a “I’m fine/great/good thank you”. It’s not an invitation to dump your troubles on the enquirer. It’s just “duniyadari”. So don’t tell them about the aching back, the corns, downsizing, or any other small upsets taking place in life right now.

With our feudal heritage, another thing we never learnt was to say Please and Thank You. Lower orders are CREATED to serve the higher orders, so where’s the question of thanking them? So we generally come across as very rude, uncouth people. We never say please when placing an order for food for example, or thank the waiter for bringing us our water, or the food, or anything. After all, we rationalise, it’s his/her job! Well, etiquette does not care if it’s their job, if someone does something for you, however trivial, you thank them; if you WANT someone to do something for you, however trivial, you say please.

Every time I say “good thnx” in reply to the regular “how are you”s from my friends (offline and online), I get the highly predictable “thanx for what?” Uhhh…. “thnx for asking??” There are two aspects of Indian social life acting here, making people wonder why I am thanking them because I am fine. One of course is the absence of any etiquette training, at any level, for the general public. The second is the concept of formality versus familiarity. Because of the way social intercourse used to be structured here, (and still is to a great extent) there were two totally different sets of behaviour for “others” and for “our people”. So, any contact with “apne log” was seen to be free of any necessity for FORMALITY. Plus, we have any number of Bollywood, and other, movies telling us really nonsensical and counterintuitive things like “no sorry or thank you in friendhip”, which doesn’t help the overall situation at all.

The way I see it, my friends and loved ones are the most important people in my life! All the more reason for me to request them to do something, rather than order them, or to say thank you, showing my appreciation for whatever they may do for me. In fact, it’s less of a problem to forget to thank the waiter than it is to forget to thank my man for example. After all, my man means a lot more to me than a waiter does, and I wouldn’t want him to feel taken for granted. All of us have, at some time or another, felt unappreciated and known the pain of a thankless job. Why should we inflict that pain on anyone, much less our friends and loved ones?

Oh! And who can forge the famous Indian Standard Time syndrome? When I throw a party, I tell my non-indian or ex-indian friends the right time to be there. For my Indian friends, I quote a time at least a hour before. So, if I want everyone to be there by 8pm, I will tell them 7pm, and STILL many would not have turned up by 9. We just don’t seem to get the concept of punctuality. And, while being late for a party or to hang out with friends may not be such a big deal (it is too! especially if it is a recurring phenomenon) the same cavalier attitude to time, in the case of a Meeting or for an interview, can have serious effects on one’s career and one’s general rep, not to mention the immense amount of irritation it engenders in the one who has to wait. why should we think that only our time is important and that everyone else exists but to wait for us, indefinitely? Whether it is traffic, or the inability to get dressed fast, or whatever, why can’t we plan ahead? Personally, I’d rather get there an hour early than five minutes late.

And is that all the list of our transgressions? Not even half. Basic things elude us. For example, I take my little daughter to a shop or a mall. Now precocious and self reliant as she is, the heavy glass swing doors are more than a three and a half year old can manage. So, most of the time, I would be laden with bags, juggling baby’s bottle of water, bag of snacks and change of clothes, and heading for the doors I know she cannot open on her own. Anywhere else in the world, someone would open the door for me. Here, unless there’s a security guard at the gate, no such hope. Not only will I have to struggle the doors open, while I wait for the baby to toddle out, at least half a dozen adults will shove her aside and traipse in and out as if I am holding the door for them!

We are completely unable to queue for anything! Given any situation where an orderly queue is required, whether at a ticket counter, the bank, the bus stop, or wherever, Indians will invariably all try to get to the counter at once, or at least look over each others’ shoulders and press forward for a better view of the proceedings, thus subjecting others not only to sundry shoves, and body odour, but also considerably slowing down the basic process itself. If everyone just took their turn, not only would everything proceed much more smoothly, and faster, but would cut out the immense frustration, irritation, and even anger, felt by the better behaved!

We have even given up some good habits we were forced to follow under the “older system” too. As we give up the traditional values, we have thrown out the baby with the bathwater, and have totally failed to reach the standards of the “western” world that we are aiming for. The “yo” generation has given up trying to be, and is indeed actively resisting being, “good” in the age-old Indian sense, but seems to have stopped short of achieving, or even coming close to, international standards of polite social behaviour.

And the malaise has spread into all age groups and all classes. No one, for example waits a few seconds to let older people pass anymore. Everyone is in a tearing hurry, in this age of instant gratification, and anyone – old people, kids, or people who are ill --- who can’t keep up will be trampled underfoot or shoved to the side. And this is not true only of the “office time” rush hour when people seem totally blind to anything else, but happens at any time of day or night. Not only do we shove past anyone who is moving at a pace fractionally slower than ours, we don’t even have the manners to say “excuse me” when we do! No one, and I mean no one – youngsters, mature people, men, women, -- ever offers their seat to an elderly person in a bus or a train anymore.

This has become so much of a rare occurrence, that when I did so recently, in the Shatabdi Express, a supposedly up-market train, the lady I gave up my seat to was completely astonished! We seem to all be coming from a “plane” of entitlement. We feel that this is “MINE”, “I deserve it, I got to it first, so why should I give it up?” its immaterial if it is a 20-year-old sitting, while an 80-year old, or a pregnant woman, or someone carrying a lot of stuff and older, might be standing precariously in the rapidly lurching behemoth. We have ladies seats in buses. However, no seats reserved for the elderly. And, this has happened with me, when I give up the seat to an elderly male passenger struggling with bags, he was argued and scolded out of his seat by a 23-24 year old at the nest stop who insisted that she had more right to the seat because it was reserved for “ladies”! Very un-lady-like behaviour as far as I could see.

We also don’t have basic table and social manners. We shove, sneeze, cough, burp and belch in public, all without seeing any need to either cover our mouths or apologise. We chew with our mouths wide open, and we pick remnants of chicken from between the teeth with a toothpick, without feeling the slightest need to cover up the gaping orifice. Since this is not a big deal to us personally, and since we don’t notice this kind of uncouth behaviour in others, we assume we have the right to treat all and sundry to an excellent view of our gullet with half masticated food…. Surely they find it fascinating!

In a supermarket…the lack of manners is worse. Supermarkets are quite a recent concept, and most of us have no clue of the rules of etiquette necessary to negotiate through these places without being a total barbarian. We park our carts in the middle of the aisle while we browse the shelves on both sides, blocking the entire stretch to anyone else. We let our kids loose to run around, cannoning into people, carts, and shelves, and driving the attendants up a wall. We block an entire shelf while six of us have a “family conference” about which brand of coffee to buy. If there is even one person in front of the canned soup, we think nothing of reaching over their shoulders, or under their arms, to snap up that can of our favourite, before They decide they want them all.

This last transgression is a factor of another major lack in our concepts. The idea of personal space. Living in an overcrowded developing nation, traveling cheek-by-jowl in buses and trains bursting at the seams, and being brought up in a culture that gives zero importance to the individual, and places full emphasis on family, community, and so on, we never learn the idea. Yet, the people we are now interacting with and working with have a very clear, and strongly held, belief in personal space! We DON’T get the fact that getting too close, physically, makes most foreigners, and some urban Indians, very uncomfortable.

The same social structures also make us nosy and over-familiar. A French friend of mine, a woman of a certain age, always found it extremely offensive that Indians, after about half an hour of acquaintance, asked her why she wasn’t married yet, and whether she was seeing someone. This is a common issue. Culturally, we place so much importance on marriage, and have so few boundaries, that we don’t realise how personal a question of this sort is to the rest of the world! A close friend might ask something like that, but not a passing acquaintance or someone in a more formal social situation!

Along the same lines, a couple, married for about four years, always complained of how everyone not only asked about why they were not having kids, but also assumed there was a problem, and offered a plethora of unwanted advice! The idea of a couple “choosing” to wait some time before procreating, or “choosing” not to have kids seems to be something we cannot grasp. In our system, by the time you are 30, if not before, it’s a given that marriage is the next step. And since this marriage is usually with a total stranger you know nothing about and care less about, the only purpose of marriage is to “have issues”. The concepts of consolidating a relationship before taking on a huge, lifelong responsibility does not exist. After all, having kids is something everyone HAS to do, and as for bringing them up? “bacche to pal hi jate hain”

The list is virtually endless, and I encounter more and more examples every day! To mention them all here would only lengthen this far beyond the immense length it has already managed to acquire. So many little things escape us, because of our total unfamiliarity with the politeness principle, and basic civic sense, but they all affect the way people around the world look at us, deal with us, and feel around us. Seemingly small, tiny, things can leave a bad taste in the mouth for the visitor or foreign colleague. It ranges from the way we speak, what we say, to body language and “nosiness”. Considering that India is going all out in a bid to be a global power, and Indians becoming more and more “unconfined”, maybe it’s time we paid a little attention to how we present ourselves to the world, and how we interact with its members.

Chat Masala 2009

I am a chatter. It’s true!! On any given day, while I work, the one place I am also likely to be found, is in that wonderful, ephemeral thing called cyberspace; in one of those hundreds of wonderfully imaginary spaces better known as chat rooms. And, what’s more…….. I actually enjoy it! ( there goes my membership of the AANTEL club) 

 After years of intensive chatting, I have found a few common traits in the average Indian chatter that I find incomprehensible, and sometimes, downright weird. Here’s a list... First of all, what’s with the English? We, as a nation, have been learning English for… what? … 160 years? Today’s urban Indian watches English movies, goes to English medium schools and sits glued to English channels on TV. So how come most of us are still saying things like “will you do/make friendship with me?” and “I am proposing you for friendship”? Why, when I say my work is writing, do I get “means?” Not “what kind of writing”, mind you, not, “beg your pardon”, nor “what do you mean writing?”… Just “means?” or, even better “mean…” why do we still ask “what do your age?” or “what is yours good name?” is there something in our nature that makes us resistant to picking up correct grammar? Or is it just the system? None of these people are either uneducated, or from vernacular institutions. I am talking about engineers, MBAs and doctors who have done these courses after spending a good part of their life in English medium schools!!!!!! Even if terrible English is not nearly the worst thing I keep running into on chat, it does leave a really bad taste in my mouth. I enjoy language; love the nuances, the delicacies, and the intricacies of new tongues. And frankly it jars to see the state of English in modern, urban, educated, 21st century India. 

 And then, of course, we have the major opener “caste?” Now, as I have discovered, this can mean one of two things. They are either trying to find out your mother tongue, or your actual caste (God! The English!) Both of which, in my view, are unimportant even for one-on-one real-time-space acquaintance, let alone a casual chat on the net. What does it matter to some nameless, faceless entity on the net whether I am a Maharashtrian or a Gujarati or a Bangali? Even if it seems nice to know, from the point of view of say… finding a fellow Bengali on the net and speaking Bangla to them, should this be one of the first few questions to be asked? Why this intense need to label, mark and cubbyhole people? I have found, in my interpersonal relationships, that I may not even be aware of a person’s last name as much as 6 or 8 months into a friendship or acquaintance; let alone caste, or community. Not a problem, as far as I can see. In fact I think it helps me see the person better as an individual rather than a Marwari or Tamilian or something, which would, at some level, bring in all the stereotypes about that community that I may have received from media, movies, and common lore. 

 Also, why “religion?” This again is something that I would prefer not to interfere with my perception of someone. Or someone’s of me. And… what is worse… when I say I am an agnostic, or an atheist (I tend to say both coz I haven’t really made up my own mind yet) I get either another “means?” Or, even worse, “but what is your religion?” this latter flabbergasted me for quite sometime before I realised that the concept of personal belief is either non-existent or unimportant in this context. What I am being asked is what religious community I was born into. This too puts my hackles up. Again, being seen as belonging to a community, regardless of whether I believe myself a part of it, has too many stereotypes and received ideas associated with it that I would rather avoid. Most of us today, in my opinion at least, are not very religious anyway. Lack of time, lack of inclination or lack of faith… call it what you will. So, for someone who is a self avowed atheist/agnostic to be badgered about what religion they, or barring that - their parents, belong to, seems a bit excessive. Should this really be such an important factor in either life or chat? 

 Oh! And lets not forget that wonderfully subtle (not!) way of trying to find out the above things if a straight answer is not forthcoming. NAME! Yep. Big deal. I may say “Mickey mouse” three or four times in answer to successive, obsessive questions about name, and I still get “tell me your name” at which point I proceed to put the person on ignore and wonder if they are really so dumb as to not understand that I do not want to tell them my name. Another category of chatter will seem to take my non-disclosure stance in stride only to come up with “any problem?” This group seems unable to comprehend that one may wish to remain anonymous simply because… If you do not tell them a name (any name will do, coz a made up one is just as good in the e-world) they behave as if you have insulted them horribly and start to say really stupid things like “you don’t trust me?” (Duh… I don’t know you from Adam, why the hell should I trust you? Not that that is an issue here) or “I am so bad that you can’t tell me your name also?” (Two things buddy; where the hell did that come from and where the hell did you learn your English?) If, surprise surprise, I do tell them that my name is Jia, we have an immediate “surname?” (Of course this question may come as any one of the following -- sirname, sarname, title etc) Another major problem for my fellow chatter arises when I say that Jia is my full name, that I do not use a last name. At this point we have a repeat performance of the religion thing with either incomprehension, or insistence. It is not only incomprehensible, but seemingly impossible, in the Indian chatters mind that one may choose to give up one’s last name (coz how can anyone not have a last name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). They insist on knowing what one’s parents’ last name is, again in an attempt presumably to categorize one into religious, caste, and language/community cubbyholes. Or better still, they start to sympathise. With what? With the massive family tragedy that has driven such a rift between me and my father. WHATTTTT?? WHAT bloody rift? What tragedy? Well, since I have dropped “my father’s surname” I must have either been disowned by them or disowned them myself…obviously! Of course why my DAD has to be identified only by his surname I have no idea…he is DEBASIS as far as I am concerned. The surname he still carries is just a tag that tells people his language, religion, community and caste. I don’t believe in tags…its as simple as that. 

 Well. Identity out of the way, what do we talk about? Hobbies of course! So, what are my hobbies…. Lets see now, writing, I suppose, although that’s more like a calling than a hobby…. And, I suppose, books, music, movies, people, art, cooking, photography, etc, etc, etc. “people?” comes the question immediately. “Means?” If I was to be my own bitchy self I would say that PEOPLE means, persons in general; men, women, and children; human individuals collectively. A usual word for a group of human beings, considered collectively and without differentiation (according to the Reader’s Digest Universal Dictionary). However, at this point I am already despairing of this person’s grasp of the English language and do not wish to burden their puny minds. Conversation can now be brought to an end, as it would take too much time, money and effort to explain to them how “people” can be a hobby. So shall we talk about books? “Do you read?” I ask. Hoping against hope to hear a yes. BANG! I am hit by “I have finished my college” … hold on a minute. Back up the cart a little bit. What do you mean you have finished college? Do you mean to say that the only reading you ever did was curricular books? No! That’s not what they mean! They have just shown more evidence of that wonderful English that I was talking about, and equated my “do you read?” with “are you a student?” If you are lucky enough to find someone who actually understands the question, as well as gives a positive answer, you send up a prayer of thanks and ask “what do you read?” pat comes the answer, “newspapers and magazines” or, if you are really, really lucky “comics” or “Hadley chase”(spelt any which way except the correct one). To try and explain that that is not exactly what you consider a reading habit-- is, of course, a complete waste of time and energy. Camus, Kafka and Sartre? Greek and Latin. Even Patricia Cornwell and Arthur Hailey are usually unheard of; let alone Aldous Huxley and George Orwell. Move on my friend. 

 Music? Everyone listens to music right? Yep they do. “What kind?” comes the question. “Everything,” I say “except boy-bands and bubblegum pop.” Instead of starting a discussion about what I do like at this point, 90% will just ask, “why do you hate boy-bands?” and some actually say “They are sooo good. You should love them. Such lovely songs!” I didn’t ask you to hate them did I? So why are you trying to foist your love of them on me? I happen to have a different set of expectations from my artistes and my music. That’s all. And anyway, I have never been very fond of gender-identity-crisised young men singing soppy songs in irritating falsettos. Songs, moreover, which sound pretty much the same across albums as well as bands, and worse, are mostly covers of older much loved numbers by better artistes. Songs that do not speak to me of anything else that is important, except love, love, and love-- ad nauseum. More to life than just love, I have always thought. And that brings us to another cracker. The third question, usually (after “how are you” and “ASL please”) is “any boyfriend/are you married?” now I completely fail to see how this has any bearing on chat, unless you are in the room only to search for a suitable mate or a quick anonymous lay. Yet, they seem obsessed with marital or romantic status. Refusal to comment just isn’t enough. It is seen as a result of you being single which in turn is seen as a result of someone having given you a hard time and having made you go through bad experience. I love men. My closest, most valued friends, my dad, and my wonderful bro are all men. I’ve always gotten along well with them and always had good memories of my relationships. This however may not be something that I want to share with a complete stranger, about 45 seconds into a chat. On the other hand I do not enjoy the automatic assumption that if I do not bare my innermost soul, it means that I am a bitter, betrayed, cast-off spinster. I wish someone would please explain to me why this question is so important. 

 And then, there’s “do u have pic?” or in worse cases “do u have cam?” Try as you might, you cannot explain to them that you have neither and don’t want them either. “How can this be?” they wonder, “How can anyone come to chat without a pic or cam?” no is not a good enough answer. Then they want u to see their cams or pics. If u say you r not interested they take umbrage. It is useless to try to explain that you actually like the anonymity of chat. That looks are completely immaterial as you are not there to look for a groom, only to find another human being with half a brain that you can talk to. That all you are there for is a conversation. Maybe a little mental stimulation if you are lucky. “Stimulation? Ok good. What is your figure/vital statistics?” whoa! Hold on there! Where did that come from? Then, one realises that to these twerps, stimulation and titillation are synonymous. The idea of non-sexual stimulation is non-existent. Hence, at this point, it is wise to use the ignore function (thank god for small mercies!) again unless you want this to disintegrate into what is called “hot-chat” which is what they all seem to be after anyway. And if it is not hot chat then it is “can we meet?” Now, the thing is…… I’ve only known this person for something like 10 min (if that). How the hell am I supposed to decide if I want to meet them? Based on what? They could be a serial killer or a mass murderer for all I know! If you say you are undecided, a repeat of the whole emotional “am I such a bad person/ don’t u trust me” rigmarole recurs. And, this is a new trend, seems like at least 80% of the people in any chat room these days is looking for “sex chat/ hotchat/ roleplay/ cyber”. Wonder what THAT says about the Indian “culture” that our netas make so much noise about. Repressed, sex starved, and taboo ridden as we are, it is hardly surprising that the anonymity of a chat room brings all the perverts crawling out of the woodwork. I have taken to replying to a “hi ASL pls” with a “clean chat only pls”. This usually makes the more “sorted out” sort of hot chatters leave immediately, thank god for small mercies! However there are the persistent pervs…who will spend a lot of time trying to convince you to engage in sex chat. And being a mother and a “non virgin” automatically makes you an automatic target for daft dialogues like “since you are not a virgin why cant we engage in adult chat?” what’s the state of my hymen got to do with chat anyway? Sex is a communication of love between me and my man and I see no need to either discuss the details of my sex life with a complete stranger, nor to pretend to have sex with one! 

Why, after all this, do I bother to continue chatting, one may ask? Simple. For every 30 twerps I meet, and ignore, I end up running into one person who has half a brain and maybe some taste and (miracle of miracles) decent or good English. And of 30 of these, one or two may even challenge or interest me. Not bad for a basic destressing activity that I engage in while I work!