The Land Where Marriage Means Rape

Minister for Home Affairs Haribhai Parathibhai Chaudhary gave a written reply in the Rajya Sabha on 29 April to a question raised by Kanimozhi of the DMK. To her question on the criminalisation of marital rape, our esteemed minister (not the first of his ilk to go down that path) said that marital rape as understood internationally couldn't be applied to India, due to factors like illiteracy, poverty, social customs, religious beliefs and the treatment of marriage as a sacrament. In essence, his stand, like so many others before him, and like such a huge majority of general Indians, is that once a woman agrees to a marriage, there is no question of force, because she MUST have sex with her husband, when, and how, he wants. So, how can there be rape? In other words, a woman loses her fundamental rights as soon as she chooses to enter wedlock (in the world's LARGEST democracy, as we like to boast).

Every time India is forced to confront or even consider the issue of marital rape, the country's parliamentarians, judges, and general public trot out an old and oft-repeated list of arguments against any move towards criminalizing the act. Foremost among them is the idea that marriage is sacred in India. Many, if not most, married women in india (or in Indian communities abroad) would disagree. For too many Indian women across the country, and elsewhere, marriage is no more sacred than being trapped in a torture chamber. Some of the forms of sadism practised in Indian marriages would make hardened criminals and sadistic prison guards cringe. Here are some cases, (from my own experience as well as from various sources including NGOs i have been associated with.

                                        

The first time her husband raped Pinki was, (like a majority of women in arranged marriages) on their wedding night. She was an ace student getting her master's degree in science from a prestigious university. Engaged to a man she saw just once for roughly 20 mins, a month before her final exams, she was married off as soon as the exams were over. Her nightmare began from the first night of her “honeymoon”, as it does for so many. Unprepared, uncomfortable, and hoping for some kind words, a building up of a relationship, what she got instead was her HUSBAND forcing himself on her, quite brutally. When they came back to their two bedroom home in mumbai, which she shared with her parents-in-law and sister-in-law, the bedroom door was always open, everyone's things kept in everyone's space so people walked in and out as they liked, yet, she was required to make herself available to her husband's whims whenever and however he wished, never mind her discomfort with the lack of privacy. There was also no question of contraception, and she had no say in the matter. Like a vast majority of indian men he refused to consider condoms, and she was not allowed to even visit a gynaecologist, let alone ask for some other method of family planning.

Sheela was only 18 years old when she was married to a man she barely knew, she didn’t think that he would demand sex on the very night they got married, but he did. She wasn’t ready for it, but that didn’t matter.

Reena wanted to wait a few days until the relatives had left, and the nieces and nephews were not sleeping behind the curtain partition. However, what she wanted was as immaterial as it usually is, and her husband forced himself on her, without any regard for her physical or emotional readiness, until she could barely walk (not that “resting” would be an option. Remember these women also have to get up in the morning and discharge all the duties of a good “daughter in law”. Unless she is so injured she in need of medical assistance, she wont get help or rest, and sometimes not even then).

For many years after her marriage, Rashmi believed that frequent bleeding after intercourse was normal for women. Married at 17, her husband would assault her six to seven times a day, with no regard to her arousal or comfort. At 19, when she conceived her first child, she was forced to have intercourse whenever he wanted till the eighth month of her pregnancy, regardless of how she was feeling. Barely 15 days after she had a delivery by C-section, her husband assaulted her so badly that it led to the rupture of her stitches. When she tried to raise her voice, her mother mocked "This is normal. It happens to everyone. Husbands don't rape you, they are allowed to do all that."

Sarita's husband forced himself on her, inserted a flashlight into her vagina, and sodomised her brutally to the point where she could't walk.

Astha was so violently assaulted by her husband that she was bleeding profusely and had suffered anal tears, when she went to the doctor.

Vandana's husband regularly bound her hands and feet while he forced himself on her because she objected to certain sexual acts.

Reema's husband transmitted an STD (sexually transmitted disease) to her which caused severe vaginal infection and painful boils. Then, in spite of her discomfort and pain he not only refused to have them treated, but continued to rape her leaving her in pool of blood most of the time. His reason for the uncaring attitude? "It is you who are in pain, not me,"

The first full sentence Ketki heard from her husband was “Show me your thighs”. When she didint comply immediately, she got, “Don’t make me yell!” Still a little slow to react, she was grabbed by the hair and groped and violently torn into until she lay bleeding.

Sheen's husband regularly got drunk, beat her ruthlessly and then demanded sex. During her first pregnancy, he insisted on regular sex even after the doctor had advised against it for a brief period. This caused a miscarriage, but that was no respite, things went on as before and she was pregnant again in a couple of months. When she got up the nerves to walk into a police station, three years after her marriage, when his behaviour started putting her in the hospital, “They were very sympathetic, gave me a cup of tea and told me to go back home and ‘adjust’”. She did, That was a huge mistake. What she viewed as a compromise, he obviously saw as victory. Given that she now knew she had nowhere to go, she had to give in to his whims. Her parents, when told, came up with the classic Indian excuse that keeps so much unfairness and justice thriving in our society “what will people think?”

Neeta's husband expected her to have sex for six to eight hours a night after using Viagra, leaving her in so much discomfort that she could barely walk the next day, proving his manliness (that every problematic MARDANGI that causes so much nastiness) inflicting great pain in the process, and with no concern for her feelings or health.

Sabina often fainted during or after intercourse, the agony was so great.

Asha's husband forced her to have sex during her labour pains.

Lata's husband administered electric shocks to her vaginal area and regularly used extreme force while having sex.

The list is endless, and each case more horrifying than the last. If any of these offences had been perpetrated by a person outside the family, he would be booked and prosecuted for sexual assault, and rape, but when the perpetrator is the husband, there is no legal recourse, nowhere to go, no one to complain to, and no law to save the woman. As for the man, he gets away scot-free, every time.

And this doesn't even begin to talk about the thousands and hundreds of thousands of women who are just “persuaded” when they are not in the mood, but their husbands are, or who are never even asked whether they have a mood or not. Not all cases are extreme or involve overt violence. In most cases neither the man nor the woman have any concept of consent, and sex within the marriage happens when and how HE wants, never mind if she wants it or not.

Arranged marriages are glorified in India, considered the only proper way to find a spouse, and love matches are still a little bit suspect, off the track, and considered flimsy because they apparantly “dont last”. Yet what is the definition of a successful marriage in India? Simply one that doesnt end in a divorce, never mind how it lasts or what the cost. And, usually, the woman pays the biggest price for this Lasting Marriage that is so prized in our society.

Given our social taboos, and overall reluctance to talk about anything really important, and the segregation and overprotection of girls practiced in the majority of homes, a large majority of Indian women don’t know anything about sex when they get married. A common argument against criminalisation of marital rape (or making the claim that no such thing actually exists) is that when women in India get married they are fully prepared to start having sex with their husbands immediately. The problem here is that women only have a very vague idea of what that involves, often drawing their ideas only from Bollywood films and vague murmurings from married friends/cousins which leads them to expect soft focus, rose petals and mogra, hugging kissing and gentle teasing, if anything. The reality is far from their idea. Even regular normal, consensual sex for the first time is anything but flowery and fuzzy, with a lot of physical and mental discomfort involved, let alone the kind of sex they are likely to get from their sex starved, equally clueless, brought up on porn husbands who suddenly have this slave, this sexdoll as it were, to do anything they wish with.

And this is not a problem in the “uneducated lower classes” as we like to think. In big companies, in corporates, in colleges, in my own experiences in hostels, at work, and social circles (all educated women from the middle or upper middle classes, all from or in cosmopolitan cities), I have constantly met women who were totally clueless. Women who were going to be horrified and really upset on their “First Night” as we so eloquently call it. Most of them have only sketchy concepts of kissing, with nothing more than hugging and fondling to follow. They would be horrified at the real mechanics involved. Even in cases where the husband is nice enough to wait a little while, they are not likely get a long enough respite to really be ready mentally and emotionally, and will surely be raped – violently or otherwise – soon enough.

How it normally goes is this. In a majority of cases the girl still gets only a few, supervised, chances to see or interact with the man soon to be her husband. On the night of the wedding, or a few days before (if she is lucky, and her mother extremely unusual) her mother would give her some kind of a cringing, embarrassed, vague talk about wifely duties which mainly run along the lines of he has all the rights, do what he wants, when he wants it. Still dazed and overwhelmed with the enormous endeavour and production that is an Indian wedding, the next thing she is likely to know is suddenly being locked up in a room with her new husband. 

Given that neither of them has a real clue, and they have mutually inmical ideas of how the next few hours should go, what can you expect? She expects flowery language, soft focus fuzziness, and nameless ROMANCE. He's been gorging on rough porn and not only expects her to behave like an experienced porn star, but also thinks he has to prove his “man” credentials by doing it immediately, and doing it hard, fast, and rough. Add to this the foregone confirmed belief that he has the ABSOLUTE right to do anything he wishes to her and she cannot say no, and you have the prime recipe for disaster.

Unless things get really badly out of hand, no one really sees a problem with this. And even if things DO get out of hand, as in the few cases i stated (which are far from isolated incidents), there isn't any real legal recourse, or social support structure. When pushed to extremes, women have only one option, lodge complaints of physical abuse, but do not want to talk of marital rape. 79% of the women who reach out for medical help report domestic violence, of which only 48% actually report sexual violence within the marriage, says Sangeeta Rege of Dilaasa, a hospital-based crisis centre in Mumbai. The problem is that other forms of domestic violence, like broken bones and cuts are easily visible, but women are reluctant to talk about sexual violence even when they're bleeding and can barely walk, according to a spokesperson from Vimochana, a women's organization in Bengaluru.

And yet, what numbers there are tell a different story. In 2013, a United Nations survey found that nearly a quarter of 10,000 men questioned, admitted to having raped a female partner. The belief that they are entitled to sex even without their partner’s consent is a common state of affairs. Studies clearly show that sexual violence within marriages in India is common. The data includes the National Family Health Survey (NFHS) and studies by the International Centre for Women (ICRW) and United Nations Population Fund (UNPFA). The landmark study was conducted in eight States only: Punjab, Haryana, Uttar Pradesh, Rajasthan, Gujarat, Maharashtra, Madhya Pradesh and Odisha. It covered 9,205 men and 3,158 women aged 18-49, and the sample was representative across caste, religious and income groups.

Here's what they show. ONE THIRD of the men in these States admitted to having forced a sexual act upon their wives/ partners at some point in their lives. The last NFHS showed that the vast majority of sexual violence reported by women was within the marriage; ONLY 2.3 PER CENT of rape reported to the NFHS interviewers was by men other than the husband. Overall, what these numbers clearly show is that sexual violence within marriages is undeniably and unquestionably common. The UNPF report shows that about 75% Indian married women live in a marital sexual hell because of our social blindness and cultural injustice. At any given time, a majority of the calls received on women's helplines to report domestic violence include sexual violence.

Despite the evidence, minister of state for home, Haribhai Parthibhai Chaudhary told Parliament that marriage is a “sacrament” and that the concept of marital rape cannot be applied to India. How ironic, and how perfectly Indian. Marriage is a sacrament. But it is perfectly legal to rape your wife. “It is concerning when government starts talking about culture and tradition to justify crime,” says Meenakshi Ganguly, South Asia director at Human Rights Watch. “When the state makes culture a reason to refuse to legislate on what is clearly a criminal matter, what message percolates down the line to the entire criminal justice system?” Says advocate Seema Misra, with the women's organisation Association for Advocacy and Legal Initiatives, in Uttar Pradesh, “You are basically saying that a wife’s consent doesn’t matter, that we are still stuck with the outdated notion that women are the property of men,”

And this has deep patriarchal roots. To address issues of consent, you have to recognise that the woman has agency, that she owns her own body, and that she has an opinion on sex/sexuality. Essentially, all of these are things patriarchy CANNOT acknowledge. Women are not supposed to either want or enjoy sex, because if they do, how will you control them and their reproductive rights? So, in their twisted logic, since she cannot enjoy it, and never wants it, where is the question of saying yes? Ever? She is just an inert vessel for the propogation of the man's lineage, so all she has the right to do is say yes when her lord and master puts forth a demand. If a woman is seen to want or enjoy sex, "they're not viewed as good women. In order to respect a woman's right not to have sex when she doesn't want it, we must respect her right to ask for sex when she wants it," says Manisha Gupte of MASUM, and therein lies the problem. That's what is behind killing women who marry for love, marry intercaste, marry inter community, or simply want to wear what they want. It all implies an agency, a choice being exercised in the sexual arena... UNACCEPTABLE.

Manisha Gupte, of rural feminist organization MASUM says "It's important to examine non-consensual marital sex even if it is not marked by outward signs of violence." Lawyer, Karuna Nundy, feels (and i agree) that trying to draw a distinction between rapes taking place in a marriage and rapes outside of it is illogical. “The fact that people are told some rapes are sacred and some are criminal is the worst kind of violence against women.” Meenakshi Ganguly, South Asia director of Human Rights Watch, disagrees that the institution of marriage needs protection. “It is not the State’s job to promote culture (the institution of marriage); it should instead focus on protecting the rights of its citizens, in this case women”.

“Many people were concerned that if made a crime, marital rape would be misused or be difficult to prove or would result in the unnecessary break-up of marriages,” says Leila Seth, former chief justice of Himachal Pradesh. But, is that enough reason to not make the law? The same concerns were raised when the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act was being debated. However, the fact that a law could potentially be misused by a few is no reason to NOT make a law that can benefit and protect millions!

As for the question of “how do you prove marital rape?” You have only to visit the outpatient departments of any government hospital and you will see the number of married women coming in for treatment and the grievous injuries caused by sexual assault. As Mrinal Satish, associate professor at the National Law University, Delhi says, “Just because something is difficult to prove, it does not mean that you cannot have a law against it,”

There are those who argue that sexual assault is covered by the existing Domestic Violence Act. But this Act is a civil law and only gives some relief to abused wives, provides them a way out, if they need it. She can, under this law, seek protection or get civil relief, but it does not provide for criminal prosecution. So she may get a bit of relief...if at all...but he would never be punished.

India needs to recognize that rape is a crime, no matter who does it. But there's an essentially blind spot here. Every since the Nirbhaya case, public patience is running thin on the issue of rape by strangers. Yet the idea that the home could also be a dangerous place and needs to have legal machinery to protect women finds fewer supporters. For many, if not most, Indians, the idea of sexual consent in marriage is an anomaly. Our cultures, our languages define rape ONLY as loss of virginity or loss of honour. Izzat lut jana. And this can only happen if an unmarried woman is attacked by an outsider, or a married woman by someone other than her owner/husband. After all it is the family's izzat that she bears in her body, maiden or wife. This is also the major source of the social stigma and shaming of the survivor. After all she, and by extension her family/clan, has been dis-honoured. So the comments of “zinda lash” and the encouragement to suicide. So, how can a husband rape his wife? She is his wife! (said in the same tone of voice as “it is his car”). Educated, middleclass, so-called modern indians have this blidspot too (i've met too many, brrr!).

Our mentality doesnt understand the concept of consent before every sexual encounter. “If she’s given her consent to marriage, then by definition, she is consenting to a sexual relationship. It’s possible that at times she may not be well or feel like having sex and the husband might insist, but by that definition every husband will become a rapist and there is no way prove such marital rape unless it is associated with domestic violence,” says Dr Suneeta Mittal, director and head, (department of obstetrics and gynaecology) at Fortis Memorial Research Institute, Gurgaon. And sadly, that is how too many Indians feel. And you just CANNOT explain to these people that YES, anyone who insists or forces sex when the partner is unwilling (for whatever reason) IS a rapist.

AS FOR THE LAW, it falls neatly in with our patriarchal and far outdated “culture” and social mores (more is the pity). According to the Indian Penal Code, "Sexual intercourse by a man with his own wife, the wife not being under fifteen years of age, is not rape". While the Justice Verma Committee -set up after the Nirbhaya rape case -recommended criminalizing marital rape, the parliamentary standing committee headed by the BJP's Venkaiah Naidu rejected the proposal. And opined that "If marital rape is brought under the law, the entire family system will be under great stress." (So, asking a man to respect his spouse and pay attention to her wants/needs will destroy the great Indian marriage! Well, maybe it SHOULD be destroyed then!)

In another supremely ironic and farcical move, the government decided to raise the age of consent, (the legal age when a girl is deemed capable of consenting to sex) in 2013 — from 16 to 18 years. Simply put. any sex with a girl below the age of 18 is statutory rape, even if she wants it, even if it is in a consensual relationship. OH! BUT WAIT! What if that girl is a wife? After all India is a country with a massive number of child marriages, where girls anywhere between 11 and 17 are regularly married off! In fact in certain segments 18 is considered practically unmarriageable. Here’s where the real fun contradictions lie. Although the legal age of marriage as well as consent is 18 for girls (shouldn't that make any marriage with a girl below 18 invalid?) Provided your wife is over 15 years old (and no one will ask you HOW you got a wife that young when it is against the law! Wink! Wink!), it is perfectly legal for you to have sex with them -- with or without their consent. Suddenly, with one magic act of “marriage” neither the law for age of consent, nor the law for age of marriage apply anymore!

When it is clearly illegal to beat, cheat, torture or burn-alive a spouse – then why do we hesitate when faced with the idea that forced sex with anyone, (even your spouse) should not be a legal right? Why is it felt that allowing rapes to take place regularly and routinely within marriages strengthens the Institution of Marriage? What kind of institution IS it if this is the case? What kind of marriages are these that are strengthened by repeated and regular sexual torture and subjugation of one “partner”? Why do we need to protect or strengthen any Institution by such ways and means that puts innocent citizens (roughly half of the population at that) at an almost certainty of being sexually assaulted? What kind of people, what kind of society, what kind of culture, benefits from such an institution that feels weakened without sexual assaults being permitted to happen within it?

As for Culture, Society, and how this will bring the end of the world? Nepal, a Hindu kingdom, has made marital rape a crime, and seems to have survived without its "culture" crumbling under the weight of such protection and inclusivity for women. On the flipside, India is in the company of 30-odd other countries, that do not criminalise marital rape, including China, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Bangladesh and Saudi Arabia. Is this the company we want to keep?

Why is it that once a man has been married to a woman, even when she is legally separated from him, and rape is actually acknowledged, it is seen as a lesser crime? The idea that when a man marries a woman, he is entitled to Dowry, Male children, Sex on demand and an Obedient servant and care giver for his parents is not only unfair and unjust, it is unconstitutional in a democracy given that it essentially eliminates the woman's ability to choose, refuse, and exercise basic rights. 

There can be no two ways about it. A rape is a rape whether it is on the street or inside the bedroom, whether the rapist is a stranger or the husband. Why is it so difficult to get Indians to understand or acknowledge that women own their bodies, have a right to say no, and sex without consent is rape. Doesnt matter who does it, doesnt matter what their relationship to the victim, it is rape.

 

  

The simple-impossible task of breaking the silence – part V: Rape

(Read parts one, two, three, and four of my series of blogposts on sexual violence in india)

The rape map of India (click to enlarge), outdated as it is, is a good one-glance artifice to immediately focus one's mind on the issue. Recent news has reported on many incidents of horrific rape, from the horrendous Nirbhaya case to the more recent Uttar Pradesh incident, bringing rape to the forefront of the Indian mind. However, most of us still dont see the problem for what it really is. We still hide behind ideas like "rare“, 'provoked', 'kidnapping and rape by strangers', 'it's not all that common' to happily ignore reality. After all, if we don't acknowledge that there is a problem, then we dont have to try to do anything about it, and if we can blame the victim or some faceless monsters, then we dont have to examine our own roles in the rape culture or change how we think and behave.

However, here's the real picture. Statistics from the National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB) 2013 show that there are 93 reported cases of women being raped in the country every single day. The NCRB data, shows that some states are more advanced than others in the matter, with Madhya Pradesh leading the line-up of ' bad place to be a woman ' with 4335 reported rapes in 2013, followed by Rajasthan (3285), Maharashtra (3063) and Uttar Pradesh (3050). and these are just the REPORTED cases. Any reported crime figures are always gross under-estimates of the reality on the ground, much more so in the case of sexual violence.

The number of rape cases that DON'T get reported are vastly higher than the number of cases reported. A UN study of 57 countries worldwide estimates that just 11% of sexual assault cases are ever reported, and this is in countries like the US! One can guess, then, how many cases actually make it to record books here, given our taboos, hangups over 'izzat', social stigma, refusal of the cops to take reports, and more. Realistically, it is possible that less than 2-3% make it to a formal report/complaint. In spite of this, India ranks number three in the world in the sheer number of reported rape cases, far, far worse than war torn poverty stricken Ethiopia at number 10 (feeling the superior glow of 'mera bharat mahaan' yet?)! Really something to think about, and time to give up the idea that rape is rare.

In fact, as a woman in India, who has lived here all her life, i can say that we all expect it, all the time. It is so common, and the entire culture around us so encouraging and supportive of rape and so much against the victim, that we have an "is this how mine happens“ moment almost every week. Every time i hear a set of footsteps behind me – even in my own lane, 20 meters from home – every time i find myself in any situation were the men significantly outnumber the women, everytime i am alone around a bunch of men, fear squeezes the gut and i automatically think 'so this is how my rape happens'. We are reconciled to it, we know that the statistical probability of this happening to us in our lifetime is far, far greater than the chances of escaping it entirely.

As for the myth of the stranger, the monster, from whom 'Indian Society' insists on saving its women. The actual, horrifying fact is that a majority of the offenders are well known to the victims. NCRB statistics show that 94% of the rapists were familiar to the victim, which includes neighbours (10782), other known persons (18171), relatives including siblings (2315) and yes, even parents (539). So let us stop to examine what, in our esteemed and much defended 'culture', makes it all right for people to rape so many women they know so well, without the least fear of retribution, justice, or punishment. Why do we have such a pathetic record of registering rapes, or punishing the rapists? (And no, one death sentence in a particularly heinous case does not count, when thousands and thousands of others go unprosecuted or slapped on the wrist with laughable sentences.)

This video may shock and horrify a few of us intellectual, educated, liberal Indians (does it though? Really?), but it is a very representative, very true picture of how the majority of the country still thinks of rape. It happens to 'westernised' women who wear jeans, have 'love' relatinships outside their castes, go to pubs, drink, smoke, mix with guys, and wear indecent clothes. Basically it is the fault of the victim for crossing every socially acceptable boundary imposed by the patriarchal structure of out society, it is her punishment for trying to fly too high, for having no morals. Men are not at fault, they are provoked. Either by the behaviour or clothes of the woman, or by fastfood, or some other factor! At worst, it is a mistake made by boys and should not be held against them!

However, the facts say otherwise. Women are raped no matter what they are wearing, from miniskirts to burkhas, from sarees and ghagras to bikinis. It is NOT about her clothes. It is not about attraction either because 12.5% of the total reported rape victims in India are minors and older women get raped too. From the gang rape of a 51-year-old tourist, to the rape of a child of a year and a half (how did she provoke? What was she wearing? Was she drinking/pubbing?having an affair?), to the rape of 6 year olds, 5 year olds, 10 year olds, children between between 2 and 10 years old, it happens, all the time. And this does not even include all the cases of rape as punishment, ordered by religious or even governing/political bodies.

Add to that the fact that marital rape is not a criminal offense within the Indian legal framework, except during the period of judicial separation of the partners, or where the wife is below 15 yers of age. When women's rights groups lobbied for marital rape to be criminalised, in the 1980s, it became an ongoing struggle for making this logical step to protect women in their own homes, which failed, because both the judiciary and the government argued that the contract of marriage presumes the woman's constant and never ending consent to sex. They concluded that criminalising marital rape would weaken family values in India (because, after all, what is more indian or valuable than disrespecting your partner and raping them and assaulting them and not even giving them the right to say no)!

But there’s little denying rape’s all pervasiveness in India. According to one particular 2011 poll cited by the Times of India, as many as 25 percent of Indian men admitted to committing an act of sexual violence, and roughly 20 percent of those polled conceded that they had forced their wives or partners to have sex when the woman was reluctant or unwilling. Maybe, then, it is high time to stop thinking about rape in stereotypes, and to realise that it happens everywhere, everyhow, everywhen, and the only one to blame for it is the RAPIST.

Since i posted this blog, THIS bit of news has come out. Another feather in India's Rape Cap. 

The simple-impossible task of breaking the silence – part IV: Conjugal Torment

In this post, part four of my ongoing series of blogs on sexual violence in India (read parts one, two, and three), i intend to discuss that tool of everyday violence and opression – sexual and otherwise – perpetrated on a majority of indian women, everyday – the great Indian marriage.

We live in a country where marriage is as much of a fact of life... for everyone … as growing up, growing body hair, feeling hunger/cold/heat, death and so on. We dont have a concept of choosing not to get married because everyone must. Neither do we, as a rule, have a concept of choosing who we marry (beyond a pretend selection among candidates vetted and put forward by parents, and even there the boys get a far better say than girls). So, we live in a society where as women, we are mentally prepared from day one – practically from the cradle onwards - to be compulsorily and without choice married off to a total stranger, and expected to fulfil our conjugal duties (read provide sex).

We are also a patrilocal society, where the new bride is expected to move in with her husband's entire family, and basically act as an unpaid maid-of-all-works for every member. She is also expected to dissolve whatever values, learning, personality she has manage to acquire at her parents' home, (often in spite of efforts to make her a blank slate) and totally reformulate her entire being in the mold of her in-laws. Basically, she is the lowest ranked member of the new household, with no rights, no voice, no one to fall back on, and only a long list of DUTIES and expectations to live up to. One foot wrong, one failing, one 'flaw' and not only does she stand to be persecuted, screamed at, even hit, her parents, their values, and their very 'culture' will come into question. Often, they will be called up to be insulted.

Into this witches' brew of seething turmoil, add the worst two ingredients. A lifelong training to grin and bear anything the husband does to her, and an almost total absence of any kind of knowledge about sex on the part of both partners, complicated by far by a huge set of myths and misconceptions on part of the man. My own personal experiences as an informal counsellor for sexual health, online and offline, for almost 20 years now, keeps reasserting to my mind how little we- as Indians – know of basic human sexuality, and how many wrong and dangerous notions we have.

For women, the extreme taboo surrounding not just anything sexual but anything physical means that they are often unaware of basic hygiene and health related to their own bodies. Menstruation, puberty, various discomforts and discharges, these are not just mysteries, they are things to be ahsamed of and ignored, often to the point of illness, and never to ask about or get a straight answer about. As for the male anatomy or the actual sex act, they know only what they can glean from vague but thrilling whispers overheard when the married women get together, and the suggestive jokes they are pelted with around the time of their wedding, both sources being useless as a way to learn anything meaningful and often filling their heads with dangerous notions and fear.

In the case of the men, the situation is far worse. Not only is their entire knowledge of female anatomy derived from foreign porn (leaving them with no idea what a real indian woman looks like), their total knowledge of the sex act is derived from the same source as well. This means they routinely expect their women to be 'brazillian wax'ed, buxom, unrealistically flexible, able to take monster organs with a smile both vaginally and anally, completely in love with performing oral sex, and capable of acts like 'squirting' orgasms. Sex, to them is insertion, thrusts, climax, and thats all, and they are convinced that the bigger and rougher they are and the harder they thrust, the more the woman will enjoy it. In fact, they have no concept of foreplay, no concept of sensitivity or paying attention to a partner's needs, no desire – in most cases – to even care whether the partner feels anything as long as they themselves get off.

To top that off, they also have the concept, egged on by friends and society in general and bollywood, and all kinds of popular culture, that a marriage MUST be consummated on the 'suhaag raat' or the first night. Most believe that if they don't essentially rape this practical stranger they now own on that very night, they will somehow be less of men, and their wives will question their masculinity as well. Additionally, with marriage being the only endorsed and allowed way for people to be sexually active, most of these men are like rabid starved animals who have been waiting for years for this opportunity to finally stick it in someone. And they are not going to wait.

The result, a horrendous night for the woman, which is a good trailer for what the rest of her sex life is likely to be – for the rest of her life. Scared, anxious, nervous at having to leave everything she knows and make herself into a new person to suit the random demands of a family of strangers, married to a stranger she barely knows (inspite of the 'modern' practice of a bunch of dates – often chaperoned by cousins or unmarried aunts), and already dreading an act she has heard enough about to fear, she is given no time to get comfortable. Forget arousal, she doesnt have the choice to even relax, or just unclench – mentally- before her 'parmeshwar' or god asks for his rights.

Is it a wonder then that most women, even educated, modern, free mixing allowed, working, totally 21^st century Indian women have shatteringly disastrous and painful experiences beginning their sex life. And no, it does not get better. To add insult to injury, we dont have a concept of – let alone a law against – marital rape. She has no right to refuse to have sex with her lord and master, and in most cases she does not even realise it is possible to say no. Ill or well, happy or depressed, fresh or tired, turned on or not, doesnt matter. If he wants it, he gets it. She? She is not supposed to have wants, or needs or desires or opinions, so it doesnt matter.

Rape? But thats what strangers do to women right? Thats why we call it izzat lootna... or robbing of honour. We force raped women to MARRY their rapists because it restores their robbed honour, never mind her trauma at having to have a lifelong repeated experience of sexual acts with the monster because there cannot be trauma. By virtue of the fact that he is now her husband, the rapist becomes someone whose attentions she is required to welcome and enjoy. Simple. So how can a husband rape his wife? He owns her, he has full rights to do what he wants to her, whenever he feels the need. Where is the question of her desire, consent, or refusal thereof? She is chattel, property, she has no will of her own. This is her DUTY! And this is the attitude not just of our society, but also of our judiciary and our ministers.

Given this mentality, a woman has ZERO legal or social recourse against cruelty. No matter what he does to her sexually, and how much she suffers, she has no support. No one to turn to, no help, no way of stopping it. In most cases she does not even realise that this is abnormal. An overwhelming number of women think that it is normal for sex to hurt, all the time, everytime, and more than half of them have never even come close to an orgasm. It is not surprising that women suffer decades of sexual trauma at home, at the hands of the very peperson who is supposed to care most for her, and often does not even recognise it as torture. Even if she does, she has nowhere to turn, no one who can help. She just has to live with it until one of them dies.

time to talk about it. time to DO something

This video WILL leave you mindnumbed and depressed, but it deals with an issue which we need to talk about more and more. Most importantly, above and beyond the talking, we need to ACT against child abuse.

*****Please do not watch it with young kids around****

Please watch all three. NSFW.

trigger warning: adult survivors of abuse, or parents of young children, please be aware that the content, especially Parts 1 and 2, will trigger reactions.

The simple-Impossible task of breaking the silence – part II: Child Sexual Abuse

When one begins to talk, write or think about sexual violence (as i decided to do HERE), it can be a massive undertaking. There are so many forms of sexual violence women (often men, and frequently all other genders as well) have to face everyday, that a comprehensive analysis is a gargantuan project. I have no illusions that i can analyse it all in any kind of complete way. I just want to examine my thoughts, opinions, experiences and emotions on the range of sexual violence that people have to face everyday. The only way i can even imagine trying to do this is piece by piece, facet by facet.

The earliest, longest lasting, most pervasive form of sexual violence most humans face is Child Sexual Abuse (CSA). And yes, boys face as much of it, are as much as risk from it, as girls, and non conforming kids of all genders, trans kids, are all at high risk. It's not something we like to think or talk about. The idea of children at risk, coming to harm, being permanently and deeply scarred and damaged, is not something any parent, or sensitive human being, would like to face. And when we do talk about it, as we have just started doing, thanks to TV talk shows, exposure to global news and current affairs, and “human interest” pieces in the print media – we still think of it as something to protect girls from. Yes, girls need protection, but so do boys, and transkids and other gender variant kids, or queer kids (but then recognising that anything other than boys and girls even exist is a whole different struggle in the making in our country).

We persistently shy away from the thought that "boys" might be at risk too. It goes against everything conditioned into us by patriarchy. Boys/men are never weak enough to be victimised after all. And they shouldn't be, right? Men as abusers of boys is also something we dont like to think about, bringing, as it does, the whole “homosexual” spectre to the forefront of our minds (another myth – that all gay men are potential abusers or that all male abusers are gay. They are not. Abusers are a category by themselves. They are either on a power trip, or are pedophiles, or both.) As for a woman as abuser? That's possibly an even worse and more uncomfortable thought to get our minds around. Women are supposed to be weak, the victims, the pairon ki jooti, in patriarchy. Alternatively they are supposed to be the maa, the devi, or other backhhanded ways of keeping her subservient and without real power. Being an abuser assigns some agency, some power, some authority to the abuser...like it or not... and we don't like the thought of that.

We also persistently warn our children (when we do so at all) to “not speak to/take sweets from strangers”. Yet, statistics show that most of the perpetrators of CSA are people known to the child, trusted by the child and the family. They are people who are so much a part of the family or social circle that they are trusted to be alone with the kid for various lengths of time. They are uncles, aunts, neighbours, tutors, teachers, family friends, caregivers, domestic help, doctors, and so many other people. And this in itself makes CSA such a devastating thing for the child. The child's entire world view is threatened and destroyed when someone who is supposed to keep it safe, protect it from “strangers”, take care of it, actually abuses and tortures the child. These are people with authority over the child, people the child is taught to respect and obey, which makes the situation worse. No matter how much discomfort or guilt or shame or disgust the child feels over what is happening, he/she/ze feels the pressure of that conditioning to obey, to do what they are told, to silently bear the abuse. This leads to further lifelong guilt at their own inability to prevent the abuse, or stop it, a sense of having deserved such treatment, shame, and a total destruction of self esteem.

Telling is the toughest thing for any survivor of sexual abuse. Given the personal, intimate nature of the crime, and our glaring taboos with regard to anything to do with our bodies or sex, it can be almost impossible to comprehend the abuse as abuse, and even if they do recognise that, it is not easy to talk. In a society where a child cannot ask – or get a clear answer for – where it came from, where girls routinely have hysterics at school at first menstruation because no one told them anything and they think they are hurt, seriously ill, or dying, where the TV channel is switched every time there is an ad for a menstrual hygiene product or a kiss on screen, where we NEVER use the correct words to name body parts that have anything to do with sex, childbirth, feeding, and so on, how is the child supposed to get up the courage to tell its parents of sexual abuse? Where is the child supposed to even find the language to understand what is happening to him/her/ze, let alone tell someone?

If the child does manage to tell someone, somehow, chances are they will not be believed. I have seen and counselled so many survivors who did tell, and who were punished for it, or simply disbelieved, told not to make up such horrible stories about such-and-such uncle/aunty/bhaiya. They were scolded, threatened, told not to be such bad children. Imagine what that does to the child. Not only do they have to live through a nightmare they will carry with them lifelong, not only do they have to find ways to survive and deal with things that will scar them forever, they also have to deal with the disbelief, the lack of trust, from other adults that they trusted enough to tell.

Society and the predators also take advantage of our basic sqeamishness and discomfort with these topics to deflect blame from where it lies. So organisations like NAMBLA can claim that some boys want/need to be sexual with adult men, while judges of one of the foremost justice systems in the world assign ridiculous sentences to abusers because the girl was “older than her chronological age” and supposedly tempted/seduced a man 30 years her senior, an adult. Or repeated rapists of teenagers get away with no prison time because they need to be “rehabilitated” after a “light” crime.

We forget one basic fact. The adult is the person with power, in authority, and therefore with responsibility. The child may not know enough to resist, the child may even instigate or enjoy sexual acts, it is still abuse, because the child does not know the full implications and repercussions – physical, emotional, and mental – it is the responsibility of the adult to not go there, to put a stop to it. We do not allow a child under our care to eat as much ice cream as he/she/ze wants, even though it loves the ice-cream, wants it, begs for it. Why? Because we know what the child doesn't – it will harm them, make them sick. Precisely the same logic of responsibility applies to sexual acts (not comparing CSA to too much ice cream in any way). The adult MUST take the responsibility for the power imbalance.

And yet, society looks the other way, or actually blames the child! When it comes to sex, we are all massive hypocrites, and nowhere is it more evident than in the way we handle cases of sexual violence, and our attitude towards it. No wonder it comes to light so rarely. Children hardly ever tell, and even as adults, most never acknowledge or talk about their abuse. It takes years and years for even an adult to be able to discuss abuse in anything more than vague and general terms. It even takes someone like me – so bold, open, frank, brutally straight forward, never mincing words, writing about so many taboo things – years and years to write about it. It takes months of trepidation even after i make the decision, it takes shying away every time i sit down to write, it takes avoidance – doing anything else to avoid actually writing, and in the end i am still uncomfortable getting too personal.

It is not surprising then, that as many as an estimated 90% of child sexual abuse cases are never reported, never brought to light. The children just continue to be abused, often by a series of abusers, often over a long period of time, sometimes even years. These children just survive the experience in any way they can manage, and go on to live whatever type and quality of life they can manage as grown ups. They are forced to deal with their demons and their trauma on their own. From my own experiences, from my friend circles, and from the large number of people i have informally counselled over 20 something years, i am forced to think that 60-70 percent of adults, including men, and all other genders (the proportion is higher in gender/orientation variant people often as PUNISHMENT for their variance) have endured some form and duration of abuse, or at least an attempt at sexual abuse, as children. Worldwide statistics support this estimate too.

These are NOT isolated incidents, they are not RARE, they are NOT too few to be talked about. I dont know of many people who HAVEN'T faced it, and i know a lot of people. On the contrary, it is ESSENTIAL and IMPERATIVE that we talk about it, that we face the reality, that we recognise the truths of Child Sexual Abuse. Only then can we have any hope of protecting our children from it.

CSA is not isolated. It is happening all around us, all the time.

CSA does not happen only to girls, boys are equally at risk, all genders are at risk.

Abusers are not monster-like strangers who can be recognised at a glance. They are freindly, nice, amiable, seemingly trustworthy. They are friends, relatives, caregivers, authority figures.

Abusers are not all men. Although a majority are male, there are many women abusers too.

No matter what the perpetrator says, the child IS the victim, and it IS a crime

The Illogic Of Hate

I’ve arrived at a theory of bigotry, of why and how people can hate the unfamiliar, the new, the unusual, or simply anything that they don’t agree with/ understand. Based on my 38 years of living, my upbringing, the people who gave me that upbringing, things I have seen, done, experienced (pleasant as well as unpleasant), and looking at all the wonderful open minded, inclusive, embracing people I know, I can only conclude that bigotry, narrow mindedness, hatefulness, and hate mongering, is a direct side effect of not being able to love anyone or anything.

It’s not that difficult to see when you think about it. All the wonderfully inclusive people I know are people who deeply, truly, love at least one other human being. Usually, they love a large number of people, animals, things, concepts, pursuits and so much more! And it is this capacity to love, this empathy, this ability to feel deeply, that translates to an accepting, open mind in human beings, in my experience.

A lot of us, involved in activism and outreach as we are, tend to think of closed minds as simply the effect of “non-knowledge”. We tend to believe that if only we could talk to people, explain things to them, improve their general knowledge, in short, drag them – kicking and screaming – into the enlightened 21^st century, they would stop being haters and embrace universal concepts of love, equality, peace, and so on. I’m beginning to see that it is not that simple, but is – in a way – simpler.

People who are capable of love… truly capable of a deep, selfless, emotional attachment – cannot be bigots. They will see members of another race as men and women, like them. They will see the differently abled as people who might need a hand, but don’t need put downs. They will see unconventional expressions of gender identity – from androgyny to cross dressing to transgender identities – as just who that person is and “none of my business”. They will see love as love, regardless of who feels it for whom – men for women and women for men, men for each other, women for each other, or any other possible combination.

They will see no problems in any of these “others” wanting to share their lives with WHOEVER they wish to. They will have no issues with any of these others having families… any way they can. The only reaction a person who loves can have to someone else who loves is of fellow feeling. Of thinking…”yeah! That’s what it feels like”, regardless of who the recipient of that love/affection is, the gender of that recipient, or how many recipients there are.

These people – the ones who really love – would never be capable of ragging, hazing, torture, bullying, and other kinds of targeted, hate behavior usually aimed at anyone the “clique” sees as “different”. They could never put down someone for, or deny them the right to, something as simple, essential, and basic as the right to be, the right to love, the right to state that love and have it formally recognized if it is returned, and the right to share that love with a family.

How do I know this? Because in my life, in my travels, in my outreach, in my mad social life, I have met numerous people who fit this category. I’ve met so many people who may or may not have the advantages of a great education as we call it in India (which only means a few degrees by the way and does not – in any way – teach a person to think), people who may or may not have any exposure to the “right” political language, activism, ideas, beliefs, people who or may not have any exposure to the very concepts I am talking about – of racism, ableism, ageism, and alternative sexualities/gender identities.

And yet, one thing stands out. One thing is common in all the people I found to be open. One underlying truth in the way these people thought. Education, exposure, knowledge made a difference, sure, I could see that too, but it may not be as important as we tend to think. Because the people I find the most non-judgmental, the people who are the most open minded, the people who are the most accepting of everyone’s basic rights, the people who are the most willing to let others be and have no desire to tell everyone else how to live their lives, and no desire to hurt, maim, or kill people who choose to have lives different from their own, these are the people who love.

Some are highly educated, articulate, political, aware, and conscientious. Some are not. Some can barely speak English or Hindi, and have no big degrees to their name. Some have travelled the world and seen a lot, some have hardly ever left the small town or village or neighborhood they were from. Some lived an active online-cyber life, connected, blogging, tweeting, surfing, learning, while some could barely type out an email and wouldn’t know what a facebook was. Some were from wonderful open families that taught them the value of rights and equality and understanding, while some were from typical Indian, conservative backgrounds.

Still… all of these people had a predisposition to acceptance. Not understanding, not comprehension, but just empathy and acceptance. Where did that come from I wondered? And why didn’t the other people I met have that? What was missing in the recipe of the highly educated, modern, privileged, aware, exposed, brought up in mixed gender, equal-ish background people who sat at a university canteen and confidently told me that all women were nothing but cunts.

What was wrong with the same kinds of people who yelled and screamed for women’s rights but would not make a peep for dalit rights, or LGBTQA rights, or racial equality, or legal requirements for things like wheelchair ramps. What was wrong with the father who will happily kill his son/daughter for marrying into the “wrong” race/ community/caste. What is wrong with the village elders who ORDER a woman to be raped by 13 people in public, for daring to choose who she wants to marry. What is wrong with the religious leader who orders someone stoned, maimed, killed, for driving, wearing the wrong clothes, wanting control over their own bodies, wanting to love the people they do. What is wrong with those people?

And the only answer I can see is that these are people who have never felt love. In many cultures, especially in the east, that’s a regular part of social life… not feeling love. In India, as in most of these cultures, the social emphasis is on fitting in, on obedience, on respect (real or feigned, but always amply demonstrated), on doing what society, your community, your religious leaders, your caste, your clan, and your elders tell you to. Even in a fundamental lifelong institution like marriage, personal compatibility, attraction, affection, or love are non factors. Even in social life – making friends, hanging out, the emphasis is on the same things. You socialize mainly with people who are family (however far removed) and people who are ‘like us’ in social and economic standings, most often the children of the people our parents hang out with. We don’t choose our friends, and we don’t have anything more than a surface liking for them, much as we may claim to love.

We are trained to merely obey our elders as we grow, showing all the requisite outer symptoms of respect (read blind deference). If we disagree, have a problem, want something different, would like a dialogue – well, the option simply does not exist. Does each of these children love its parents and elders? CAN they? I don’t see how. To me love is a complex emotion arrived at after much give and take, back and forth, personality clashes, debates, disagreements, none of which we have room for in our system, certainly not between parents and children, nor between siblings. I know a lot of people who will jump down my throat for this. Claiming we are the epitome of filial love and affection with our single minded obsession for MAA (the archetypal, all sacrificing, Indian mother who we supposedly revere but who we are quick to throw out of the house if we can). Me… I don’t ACCEPT blind adherence to every word, never disagreeing, excessive kowtowing, and obsessiveness, and total control to be LOVE. Sounds more like slavery to me.

Once we are old enough, these same elders will decide it is time for us to breed. For the women it is so that they can get someone else to pay for our upkeep, in return for which we are required to be the unpaid slave of the clan and family, the personal sex slave of the person, and a baby making machine. For the men, since everyone knows how bad no-sex is for men, it is about having a person to have sex with, and someone to give them heirs, preferably MALE, to carry on the “family name”. In the choosing of this person… for either a woman or a man… attraction, affection, love does not have any role to play. Candidates are chosen, and the winner decided on the basis of factors such as family backgrounds, economic status, caste, religion, salaries, degrees, and anything and everything that has absolutely nothing to do with how the two will get on together. LOVE? We assure everyone – love will come with time. The way I see it…that’s not love. That’s getting used to a person, getting into the habit of having them around, even affection yes – of the kind we feel for a houseplant.

Then, this being the point of the whole exercise, the children arrive, often before the first anniversary. So any possible relationship building between the partners is effectively halted, and as the years pass, even the sex tapers off as they take on the role of ELDERS themselves. In true ragging/hazing pattern, all the oppression we have grown up with, all the lack of control over our own body, dress, life, circle, decisions, career, marriage is now happily passed on to the next generation. Hazing victims now turn hazers and to unto others as someone has done unto them. So… inspite of all the obsessive involvement that Indian parents have in their children’s lives, they don’t know the first thing about those very children. And how can someone who does not know me, does not have any idea of what I think, feel, want, LOVE me?

To them, kids are like insurance, investment. A job than needs to be done, something that must be looked after for X number of years so that when I am old and grey, and unable to fend for myself, the returns will roll in, in the form of deference, feet touching, feeding, clothing, shelter, and basic care giving. Now imagine a person living this life. Going from birth to youth to marriage to parenthood to middle age in this loveless, regimented, ruled, powerless way. I don’t see anything strange in this person being the bigot. In fact it would make total sense… because how dare someone else have the freedom, fun, love, fulfillment that I have never been able to have? Let’s kill the bastards!

Even religion, in our neck of the woods at least, does not counter this. All the monotheistic religions seem bent on making us god FEARING rather than god LOVING. The emphasis is on DON’T. what NOT to do is clear, control is paramount, submission to the will of the one and only almighty the only way to be. Not a happy recipe for a fulfilled life, because that machine too is driven by the unfulfilled, loveless poor souls. And polytheistic faiths, like Hinduism, which are all about multiplicity and inclusion, where traditionally we had everything from male gods taking female form, cross dressing warriors, men brought up as women and women brought up as men, two male gods who not only have sex but actually biologically produce offspring, transgender identities, atheism, non performance of religious rites, treating and thinking of the supreme being in any form you like, including that of buddy or pal, have all been an intrinsic part of the belief system – they have been corrupted beyond recognition by people with vested interests and narrow outlooks to the point where they are as restrictive as any other.

Not surprising then, that the average person, conditioned and oppressed from the moment they are born, and never feeling the immense depth and un-scalable heights of real love, turns into a narrow restricted person who cannot accept anything other than what they see as “normal”, and is willing to take out their own angst and frustrations on the person they see as breaking those norms. Me.. I love my friends and my folks and my man… after all not because I am expected to (kicked enough friends and relatives out of my life to prove that) but because they are MY kind of people and they love and respect me and really know me. I cannot – in any way – imagine grudging someone else that feeling. No matter who it is that they love. I love my child without feeling any need to own her or control her, and cannot imagine anything being more important to me than her happiness, well being, and health – not society, not honor, not face, nothing.

Lucky enough to have control over my decisions and body, I cannot imagine being offended by the same in another, wanting to hurt them for having it, or wanting to control it for others. I have so much love in my life, so many interests, so much to see, do, experience, that I am happy to say I have no time and no inclination to hate, exclude, or hurt.

Thin privilege

Just read and shared these articles (http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/10/lets-talk-about-thin-privilege/   and  http://everydayfeminism.com/2012/11/20-examples-of-thin-privilege/) about thin privilege. While I recognize so much of it as real (as a fat person), and personally have the political awareness and language to understand what it is and where it comes from, I also realize that most of the people around me have no clue it even exists. Especially in India, especially those not involved in activism of some sort (and hence maybe not too conversant with the political/rights related language). In fact, sensitive, educated, open minded, concerned people don’t get it either. They don’t realize what is happening, and how it affects the person who has to deal with it on a daily basis.

Here are some regular things I face, practically every day, as I am sure other big women do too.

o   I am fat, therefore, it is a foregone conclusion that I am a food hog. People close to me know I don’t like huge portions, I don’t like oily or rich food, I don’t crave desserts and sweet dishes, and I naturally prefer subtler flavors and blander food, so that I can actually taste the ingredients. This is incomprehensible to everyone. How can I not be a foodie, yet be fat? How can I not be fond of fried, greasy, fast food, and yet be fat? How can I not like sweets, and still be fat? So, the conclusion is I must be lying. I must be a closet foodie with a secret life where I spend hours on the sly stuffing my face with all sorts of unhealthy foods…right? It is useless to explain to these idiots about things like metabolism rates, thyroid activity, and so on, let alone talk about the theory of fat but fit. If I reply to “what’s your favorite food” with a statement like “I like bland, light, non spicy food” the only response I can get is “so, dieting ha?” because, of course, fat people must live in a perpetual state of diet, and no one can really like the taste of oats and cornmeal over triple refined maida products dripping with ghee, right?

o   It is assumed that I must be unhealthy, just because I am of a certain size. Total strangers make that assumption, as do chat contacts who have never seen anything other than ONE photograph of me, as do many friends and relatives. This, I expect, and even forgive to a large extent. Media, quacks, new age fanatics, exercise equipment makers and sellers, slimming products makers and sellers, and all of society have spent millions convincing the average person that fat is always unhealthy. The message has been all pervasive in the west for almost a century, and has been getting louder and more omnipresent in India over the last five decades or so. It is irritating, especially from people you expect to know better, do their research, but not unforgivable.

o   However, it becomes unforgivable when doctors do it. They are the people who should DEFINITELY know better. They are the ones educated in the many facets of health. And they, of all people, should know that level of fitness is more important than the level of fatness. Yet, they don’t. Every single doctor I have ever visited has taken one look at me and immediately decided to check my BP. After all, a fat woman has GOT TO have hypertension right? It bugs me that they cannot imagine a healthy fat woman with a normal BP, let alone a low BP like mine. I tell them till I am blue in the face, I have HYPOTENSION, I have to dissolve salt in water and drink it, in summers, to get my BP up to the normal level. When I got gestational hypertension in pregnancy, it actually RAISED my regular BP to the expected 120/80. But no, check me they will, and be very surprised and mystified that I am not hypertensive! Every single time! Every single doctor!

o   I DO NOT have Diabetes. Never had, not even during pregnancy. Yet, they WILL insist on checking. EVERY time! That’s the second thing they think of, after my BP turns out to be better than fine. Viral fever? Must check for Diabetes. Headache? Must check for Diabetes. Skin rash? Must check for Diabetes. After all, I am fat. I have got to be diabetic! How dare I not? Regular people assume it too. Fat woman, refuses sweets when they are offered, “oh, you have sugar (blood sugar/ Diabetes)?” NO I don’t, I simply don’t like how sweets, especially most Indian/Bengali sweets, taste. For a doctor to make that same unfair, shaming, disgusting, automatic assumption, that a fat woman of 38 MUST be Diabetic… that’s just nasty!

o   People assume I am lazy/inactive/useless based on my size, and assume I have never had any interest in sports or other physical activity. That I enjoy walking, or was part of the school volleyball team are obvious lies to them. That I actually do three times the mental and physical ones of any of them, with keeping my own home (no cook, no child minder, no full time maid), practically keeping my parents’ home, working for my own clients, running a business (including a commute of one hour each way), and more, is immaterial. It cannot be… because I am fat.

o   I hate shopping. I have always been fat. Kiddy pics show a chubby child, teenage and school photos show a well rounded young girl, college shots show a woman much more well filled out than most of her peers, and the same applies today. the only time i have been anything near skinny was when i had ulcers. And so, I have always had trouble with shopping. I cannot find clothes in my size at just any store. The neighborhood market has nothing remotely in my size (including lingerie or nightwear), and even up-market, high tag, “tish” stores (like Biba, as I recently discovered), will have nothing in my size.

o   If a store does, miracle of miracles, have an article in my size, I will have no choice as to style or color. They will be in the most boring color combinations, the worst, shabby, out of date styles, and there is nothing I can do about it. Buy it or leave. Jeans will all be low waist, which will mean that I would require some insanely high number as waist size, which – obviously – will not be available (snigger, snigger, giggle, giggle from the skinny sales staff). To find something I might actually consider wearing I have to go to store chains that carry “plus sizes”. And even then, the choices are limited, styles are few, and prices are about twice what they charge for the same article in a “normal” size.  

o   After years and years of this humiliation, of trying on hundreds of things, per trip, that never fit right, of well meaning people making it worse, and more humiliating by picking out more and more items with a “this is sure to fit” and insisting I try it on, even when I say it won’t, even when all I want to do is leave the store and go home. After years of people buying me clothes off the street, or from smaller stores that “looked like they would fit” but never do (I have a suitcase full of them at home), I have decided I can’t do this anymore. I refuse to go shopping for outfits, preferring to buy fabric and get something tailored instead. That is not a pleasant experience either, with inept tailors who can’t make western clothes, and all tailors screaming out your enormous sizes to everyone within earshot, in the name of measurement, but it is better than the torture of trying to buy.

o   People, from total strangers to people close to me, will say things like “you have such a pretty face, if only you would lose some weight!” They may do it out of love, or from concern, or from whatever, it shows how society thinks, how pervasive this “you are not beautiful/good looking/ presentable if you are fat” mentality is. When people hear of my past relationships (yes, there was more than one) or my current love, it is always “oh you must have been/must be slim and beautiful”. Because, of course, fat women would never be attractive enough to have so many men fall for them, or have so many relationships. I have even had people tell me to my face that a particular cousin, who looks very similar to me "is so beautiful ya! why did you say she looks like you?" merely because she was thin, and i was not. 

There are so many other daily, many times a day, experiences that I deal with, that all big people, especially women deal with, that all stem from the PERCEPTIONS that society as a whole and individual people in our lives have about this one aspect of our lives… that we are fat. There is so much weirdness of attitude, and unfairness, that is meted out to big people. Frankly – it sucks.