Predators in safe spaces – The challenge of inclusivity V/S safety and comfort

Recently, a day spent at the Kolkata Rainbow Carnival 2018, brought home to me a fact I have been noticing for some time, a discomfort I have negotiated again and again in all kinds of spaces, online and off.

As a feminist, an LGBTQIA+ activist, and an Ally to all movements of marginalised peoples, everywhere, one of the first things I have always tried to find and create has been safe and inclusive spaces. Spaces and places where women, gender queer or non-binary people, trans people, asexual people, kinky people, fat people, short people, white, black, yellow, brown, mauve people, masculine women and feminine men, Brahmin and Dalit, Urban and Rural… everyone feels equally as comfortable and non-threatened as we are accustomed to making our masculine patriarchy affirming men.

Over the last two decades of my journey in political awareness, politicisation, and activism, such spaces have appeared, and multiplied. Organised under the “queer” umbrella, for example, there are now multiple events in a year where one can just “be”. My inner cosplay addict now has far more rein… as does my rainbow self… to indulge in a revelry of self-ness.

And yet, I’ve noticed something again, and again. And I am not talking here about the lack of presence of “female bodied” or AFAB (assigned female at birth) people which I have written about and discussed before, and probably will again. I am talking specifically about the issues created by the random, ever present predator and creep who crawls into these spaces taking advantage of the blanket of inclusivity, and then proceeds to prey on people (most often trans women and AFAB people who present more feminine).

I’ve seen this before in practically all LGBTetc events, and I saw it again at the carnival. There are always some people (overwhelmingly often – men) who come to these events simply as a hunting ground. And I don’t mean of the “let’s hook up in the restroom” variety but of the stalkerish, creepy, make my skin crawl variety (every AFAB person will know what I am talking about). They sidle up to trans women and feminine female bodied persons taking advantage of the friendly, open, we are all a big queer family here together vibe of the events, where everyone seems to be greeting everyone with hugs. They try to hug these complete strangers… and often succeed… because a lot of us are connected only/primarily on social media and it can often be difficult to place a face offhand, so we tend to be generous with hugs.

Then they hang around close by, jumping into conversations as if they belong, quipping and commenting, latching on to other transwomen, or feminine AFAB persons you may be talking to, and collecting phone numbers and information. I’ve seen this happen so often that I have realised this is a thing certain men do…. And I have seen the same man do this at more than one event.

At the carnival, I was the central target of one, while another was working around the event. The one who targeted me – I have never seen before. The other is a repeat offender.

Dialogues like “I am so addicted to this community (presumably meaning trans women)” are creepy as fuck… as is the blatant approaching of any “pretty” woman and flashy, decked up trans woman I spoke to. I noticed he avoided the more obviously masculine people … both cis and trans men as well as butch dykes or trans women in regular men’s clothing. The other one- the repeat offender- did his rounds and spoke to people who have probably become familiar with his face, were obviously uncomfortable around him, but equally obviously didn’t know how to deal with him.

And this brings me…every time… to what to do about these predators. Making the spaces less inclusive is not an option. We want more openness… not segregation. A person also cannot be “screened” or excluded from attending an event simply because he is cis, or straight, or attracted to trans women, or whatever. So, what can we do, as a community and as organisers, to make these spaces safer without being non inclusive?

This is even more difficult because these people are being creepy in the way that most sexual harassers are creepy… a way that cannot be quantified or – very often – even explained to people. It is a matter of feeling, knowing, long experience, and instincts, that tells me when a person is being creepy to me in a particular way, but I may not necessarily be able to explain it to others… especially to most cis-men who have no such life experiences to draw upon.

So… I really don’t know what the solution is… but I do think this is something that needs attention, something we need to think and talk about. Something we must try to figure out how to do… if we want truly safe and comfortable spaces for all of us. 

Will reading down 377 cure all evil?

It has been an interesting few days.

First there was the storm of “hopeful” messages and articles shared on social media. It seemed like the entire community was pinning all its hopes on one petition in the apex court. Parts of the media went nuts and started publishing doomsday articles with catch phrases like “last chance” in the title. As if, magically, all queer activism, all LGBTQIHKA spaces and people and movements and collectives would just disappear overnight if the court dismissed the petition without agreeing to hear it. At the same time, the more positive articles just waxed super eloquent about what wonderful things would happen, again – magically, overnight – if only the court would accept the curative petition, and hear arguments.

I had hopes, sure, more like wild desires with not much real chance of fulfilment actually … of the court reexamining the RE criminalization of consensual adult sexual activity – both same sex as well as heterosexual – under 377 on 11.12.2013. However, I have been a part of queer organizing (how OLAVA began and some of the things I do now are more about community building and support activities) and queer activism (what OLAVA became, and a lot of things I do now, definitely fall under that heading) in India for almost 20 years now. So, I am more wary, more cautious to hope too much, than the 20-something generation Y friends who surround me. Maybe I am just jaded and cynical, but in all the conversation we had before the D-Day, I found myself being the dampener, the voice of caution against pinning too much hope on one event, the spoil sport, the mood wrecker, the party pooper.

Well, things went better than I secretly expected. For all my sharing of optimistic articles and discussions on what India could expect from the court, and whether or not it is time for INDIA to do away with this legal remnant of Victorian colonial prudery, etc etc, I really expected the petition to be thrown out of court. So, when it wasn’t, it was a very pleasant surprise to say the least. The 3 judge bench referred the petition to a 5 judge “judicial bench” instead, to be heard “at the earliest”, after a mere 5 minute hearing.

And then the jubilation began. Some of it seemed seriously over the top to my jaded sensibilities, considering that this wasn’t any victory of any sort. All the 3-j bench did was to say… we won’t make a decision on this matter, so we will pass the buck to 5 of our colleagues. Essentially… the community and its lawyers now have to convince FIVE people instead of three of the need to de – criminalize adult consensual sexual activity. Easier? I don’t think so! The whole process begins again… with 2 additional minds to convince.

And let’s say we do all that. And 377 is read down again. Maybe scrapped altogether. How much difference is it going to make on the ground? How much is it going to change the day to day lived realities of hundreds of thousands of LGBTQIHKA individuals?

Over the last decade or so, queer movements in India seem to have become exclusively centered on 377, just as internationally they have coalesced around marriage equality. And as tends to happen, when movements begin to focus too hard on legal change, sometimes other things backslide. Not to mention the fact that 377 has a big caveat of “privacy” which excludes a large chunk of the community, who for numerous reasons do not have access to privacy for their sexual activity, and therefore remain vulnerable to discrimination and abuse. And that “not all gays” wish to be co-opted into the patriarchal-capitalist frameworks of marriage and family.  

To many, in a country that is facing increasing intolerance, sharply rising crime against different marginalized communities, and so much more, how is it possible to imagine that scrapping 377 is the only important thing, or that it will miraculously make all our lives better? In the gap years when 377 had been read down by Delhi High Court and the Re-criminalisation by the Supreme Court, how much of a real difference did the community see in everyday society? Did the “average” parent or sibling or friend, let alone the religious fanatic, suddenly accept the queer family member with open arms? Did queer people stop losing jobs, homes, families, loved ones, and lives for being who they are? Not that I know of.

This excess of jubilation is seriously misplaced in my opinion. There is a long road to travel and a lot of things to be done. There are alliances to be made and space to be given over – to those who don’t have privacy, to hose who don't want to get married, to those who do not want a politics of “conformism” of “just like you, to those who do not want to be a part of the mainstream. Maybe it is time to start thinking of larger systemic changes, of weaving all possible marginal positions together to make a strong fabric of resistance. Of collectivizing across gender, sexuality, caste, class, and start discussions to dismantle the patriarchy-capitalism nexus that oppresses so much of humanity.

Yes, this is a positive development. But let us curb our enthusiasm and remember that thiss is just a small step on a long journey we still have ahead of us, a long battle to engage in, before a truly equal and just world can be arrived at, if ever. So yes, celebrate a little, but also…. And this is very important…

Keep calm and carry on!

The Illogic Of Hate

I’ve arrived at a theory of bigotry, of why and how people can hate the unfamiliar, the new, the unusual, or simply anything that they don’t agree with/ understand. Based on my 38 years of living, my upbringing, the people who gave me that upbringing, things I have seen, done, experienced (pleasant as well as unpleasant), and looking at all the wonderful open minded, inclusive, embracing people I know, I can only conclude that bigotry, narrow mindedness, hatefulness, and hate mongering, is a direct side effect of not being able to love anyone or anything.

It’s not that difficult to see when you think about it. All the wonderfully inclusive people I know are people who deeply, truly, love at least one other human being. Usually, they love a large number of people, animals, things, concepts, pursuits and so much more! And it is this capacity to love, this empathy, this ability to feel deeply, that translates to an accepting, open mind in human beings, in my experience.

A lot of us, involved in activism and outreach as we are, tend to think of closed minds as simply the effect of “non-knowledge”. We tend to believe that if only we could talk to people, explain things to them, improve their general knowledge, in short, drag them – kicking and screaming – into the enlightened 21^st century, they would stop being haters and embrace universal concepts of love, equality, peace, and so on. I’m beginning to see that it is not that simple, but is – in a way – simpler.

People who are capable of love… truly capable of a deep, selfless, emotional attachment – cannot be bigots. They will see members of another race as men and women, like them. They will see the differently abled as people who might need a hand, but don’t need put downs. They will see unconventional expressions of gender identity – from androgyny to cross dressing to transgender identities – as just who that person is and “none of my business”. They will see love as love, regardless of who feels it for whom – men for women and women for men, men for each other, women for each other, or any other possible combination.

They will see no problems in any of these “others” wanting to share their lives with WHOEVER they wish to. They will have no issues with any of these others having families… any way they can. The only reaction a person who loves can have to someone else who loves is of fellow feeling. Of thinking…”yeah! That’s what it feels like”, regardless of who the recipient of that love/affection is, the gender of that recipient, or how many recipients there are.

These people – the ones who really love – would never be capable of ragging, hazing, torture, bullying, and other kinds of targeted, hate behavior usually aimed at anyone the “clique” sees as “different”. They could never put down someone for, or deny them the right to, something as simple, essential, and basic as the right to be, the right to love, the right to state that love and have it formally recognized if it is returned, and the right to share that love with a family.

How do I know this? Because in my life, in my travels, in my outreach, in my mad social life, I have met numerous people who fit this category. I’ve met so many people who may or may not have the advantages of a great education as we call it in India (which only means a few degrees by the way and does not – in any way – teach a person to think), people who may or may not have any exposure to the “right” political language, activism, ideas, beliefs, people who or may not have any exposure to the very concepts I am talking about – of racism, ableism, ageism, and alternative sexualities/gender identities.

And yet, one thing stands out. One thing is common in all the people I found to be open. One underlying truth in the way these people thought. Education, exposure, knowledge made a difference, sure, I could see that too, but it may not be as important as we tend to think. Because the people I find the most non-judgmental, the people who are the most open minded, the people who are the most accepting of everyone’s basic rights, the people who are the most willing to let others be and have no desire to tell everyone else how to live their lives, and no desire to hurt, maim, or kill people who choose to have lives different from their own, these are the people who love.

Some are highly educated, articulate, political, aware, and conscientious. Some are not. Some can barely speak English or Hindi, and have no big degrees to their name. Some have travelled the world and seen a lot, some have hardly ever left the small town or village or neighborhood they were from. Some lived an active online-cyber life, connected, blogging, tweeting, surfing, learning, while some could barely type out an email and wouldn’t know what a facebook was. Some were from wonderful open families that taught them the value of rights and equality and understanding, while some were from typical Indian, conservative backgrounds.

Still… all of these people had a predisposition to acceptance. Not understanding, not comprehension, but just empathy and acceptance. Where did that come from I wondered? And why didn’t the other people I met have that? What was missing in the recipe of the highly educated, modern, privileged, aware, exposed, brought up in mixed gender, equal-ish background people who sat at a university canteen and confidently told me that all women were nothing but cunts.

What was wrong with the same kinds of people who yelled and screamed for women’s rights but would not make a peep for dalit rights, or LGBTQA rights, or racial equality, or legal requirements for things like wheelchair ramps. What was wrong with the father who will happily kill his son/daughter for marrying into the “wrong” race/ community/caste. What is wrong with the village elders who ORDER a woman to be raped by 13 people in public, for daring to choose who she wants to marry. What is wrong with the religious leader who orders someone stoned, maimed, killed, for driving, wearing the wrong clothes, wanting control over their own bodies, wanting to love the people they do. What is wrong with those people?

And the only answer I can see is that these are people who have never felt love. In many cultures, especially in the east, that’s a regular part of social life… not feeling love. In India, as in most of these cultures, the social emphasis is on fitting in, on obedience, on respect (real or feigned, but always amply demonstrated), on doing what society, your community, your religious leaders, your caste, your clan, and your elders tell you to. Even in a fundamental lifelong institution like marriage, personal compatibility, attraction, affection, or love are non factors. Even in social life – making friends, hanging out, the emphasis is on the same things. You socialize mainly with people who are family (however far removed) and people who are ‘like us’ in social and economic standings, most often the children of the people our parents hang out with. We don’t choose our friends, and we don’t have anything more than a surface liking for them, much as we may claim to love.

We are trained to merely obey our elders as we grow, showing all the requisite outer symptoms of respect (read blind deference). If we disagree, have a problem, want something different, would like a dialogue – well, the option simply does not exist. Does each of these children love its parents and elders? CAN they? I don’t see how. To me love is a complex emotion arrived at after much give and take, back and forth, personality clashes, debates, disagreements, none of which we have room for in our system, certainly not between parents and children, nor between siblings. I know a lot of people who will jump down my throat for this. Claiming we are the epitome of filial love and affection with our single minded obsession for MAA (the archetypal, all sacrificing, Indian mother who we supposedly revere but who we are quick to throw out of the house if we can). Me… I don’t ACCEPT blind adherence to every word, never disagreeing, excessive kowtowing, and obsessiveness, and total control to be LOVE. Sounds more like slavery to me.

Once we are old enough, these same elders will decide it is time for us to breed. For the women it is so that they can get someone else to pay for our upkeep, in return for which we are required to be the unpaid slave of the clan and family, the personal sex slave of the person, and a baby making machine. For the men, since everyone knows how bad no-sex is for men, it is about having a person to have sex with, and someone to give them heirs, preferably MALE, to carry on the “family name”. In the choosing of this person… for either a woman or a man… attraction, affection, love does not have any role to play. Candidates are chosen, and the winner decided on the basis of factors such as family backgrounds, economic status, caste, religion, salaries, degrees, and anything and everything that has absolutely nothing to do with how the two will get on together. LOVE? We assure everyone – love will come with time. The way I see it…that’s not love. That’s getting used to a person, getting into the habit of having them around, even affection yes – of the kind we feel for a houseplant.

Then, this being the point of the whole exercise, the children arrive, often before the first anniversary. So any possible relationship building between the partners is effectively halted, and as the years pass, even the sex tapers off as they take on the role of ELDERS themselves. In true ragging/hazing pattern, all the oppression we have grown up with, all the lack of control over our own body, dress, life, circle, decisions, career, marriage is now happily passed on to the next generation. Hazing victims now turn hazers and to unto others as someone has done unto them. So… inspite of all the obsessive involvement that Indian parents have in their children’s lives, they don’t know the first thing about those very children. And how can someone who does not know me, does not have any idea of what I think, feel, want, LOVE me?

To them, kids are like insurance, investment. A job than needs to be done, something that must be looked after for X number of years so that when I am old and grey, and unable to fend for myself, the returns will roll in, in the form of deference, feet touching, feeding, clothing, shelter, and basic care giving. Now imagine a person living this life. Going from birth to youth to marriage to parenthood to middle age in this loveless, regimented, ruled, powerless way. I don’t see anything strange in this person being the bigot. In fact it would make total sense… because how dare someone else have the freedom, fun, love, fulfillment that I have never been able to have? Let’s kill the bastards!

Even religion, in our neck of the woods at least, does not counter this. All the monotheistic religions seem bent on making us god FEARING rather than god LOVING. The emphasis is on DON’T. what NOT to do is clear, control is paramount, submission to the will of the one and only almighty the only way to be. Not a happy recipe for a fulfilled life, because that machine too is driven by the unfulfilled, loveless poor souls. And polytheistic faiths, like Hinduism, which are all about multiplicity and inclusion, where traditionally we had everything from male gods taking female form, cross dressing warriors, men brought up as women and women brought up as men, two male gods who not only have sex but actually biologically produce offspring, transgender identities, atheism, non performance of religious rites, treating and thinking of the supreme being in any form you like, including that of buddy or pal, have all been an intrinsic part of the belief system – they have been corrupted beyond recognition by people with vested interests and narrow outlooks to the point where they are as restrictive as any other.

Not surprising then, that the average person, conditioned and oppressed from the moment they are born, and never feeling the immense depth and un-scalable heights of real love, turns into a narrow restricted person who cannot accept anything other than what they see as “normal”, and is willing to take out their own angst and frustrations on the person they see as breaking those norms. Me.. I love my friends and my folks and my man… after all not because I am expected to (kicked enough friends and relatives out of my life to prove that) but because they are MY kind of people and they love and respect me and really know me. I cannot – in any way – imagine grudging someone else that feeling. No matter who it is that they love. I love my child without feeling any need to own her or control her, and cannot imagine anything being more important to me than her happiness, well being, and health – not society, not honor, not face, nothing.

Lucky enough to have control over my decisions and body, I cannot imagine being offended by the same in another, wanting to hurt them for having it, or wanting to control it for others. I have so much love in my life, so many interests, so much to see, do, experience, that I am happy to say I have no time and no inclination to hate, exclude, or hurt.

Indian Male Privilege

A lot of the people I chat with, or interact offline with, especially men, keep telling me I am being too unfair, too caustic, too aggressive in my blogs, comments, opinions. Many of these people believe feminism is outdated, no longer required, because the world has changed, and “these days such things don’t happen, and women have all the rights” (to me this only means that these people don’t read the news, or have any idea of current affairs/reality). Most women would tell them they are living in a fool’s paradise. Any woman knows the reality of how patriarchy treats women. Even privileged, upper class, educated women, from loving, supportive, egalitarian homes (like mine) face enough social discrimination on a daily basis to never be fooled. Women in India re-realize every day of their lives, at home and outside, what it means to be a woman.

For the men who think Male Privilege doesn’t exist in India, who think everything is all rosy and heavenly now. Here is a small checklist of things you DO NOT have to face… because you are a man and not a woman.  

·         You were not killed before you were born simply for being the wrong gender.

·         You were not killed immediately after you were born by your father/grandfather/uncles chucking you in a well, stuffing you in a pot and filling it with salt until you suffocated, or drowning you in milk.

·         People congratulated your parents when you were born. Nobody consoled them with, “don’t worry. Try again, and you might just get lucky and have a girl.” Nobody asked  “What will become of you once you marry him off?” No one will comment about your parents “itne bacche hain inke….magar ek santaan nahi.” No one will be sympathetic to your parents about not having the child of the right gender to perform their funeral rites, ensuring their entry into heaven.

·         Even if you were the second or third boy born to your parents, you felt no less loved and cherished. No one treated you like crap because you had dared to be born. Your parents, especially your mother, did not get stigmatized as the bearer of only sons.

·         It was a foregone conclusion that even if your parents could only send one child to school, you would get an education.

·         You could say what you wanted to be when you grew up, when people asked, and people acknowledged your ambition, saw nothing strange in it, and encouraged you to achieve anything you wanted. Nobody laughed at you.

·         You had lots of role models, Tata or Birla or Sachin or whoever. You didn't have to search to find someone of your gender in your desired/chosen field to serve as a role model.

·         Growing up, you could choose from an infinite variety of children’s media – books, TV shows, Cartoons, featuring positive, active, non-stereotyped heroes of your gender. You didn’t have to search for meaningful male protagonists, they are the default.

·         There are numerous festivals around the year for the women in your family to give thanks for your existence, and none for you to give thanks for the women in your life. Clearly, you are precious and important enough but they are not. You don’t have to fast, and pray for the well being of, and worship, your sisters in festivals like Rakhi, and bhaiduj, or your wives in festivals like teej and karwa chauth.

·         As a child, if you misbehaved, and got into trouble, you were scolded only for your behavior. Not because you would make a bad prospective groom or son-in-law for some random unknown people 20 or so years in the future.

·         You were not constantly told to speak softly, laugh softly, sit properly, and behave like a “gentleman”, even when you were five or six years old.

·         You were not only allowed but encouraged to play outside. Becoming dark from the sun was not a problem for your future, and learning how to do household work, again for the benefit of random future spouse/in-laws, was not a priority.

·         You could dream of having a high flying career, earning big bucks, owning a fancy car and a big house instead of just a red lehenga.

·         As a 5, 6, 10 yr old, you could learn to dance, if you wished. No one stopped you because “in our house boys don’t dance like bazaru mard” or because “in-laws don’t like boys who dance; it creates the wrong impression about his character”.

·         You could wear shorts as a child, continue to wear them as a teenager and still wear them as an adult, at home or outside without fear of repercussions from your wife, your in laws, and society in general.

·         You only had to go to school/college, and relax when you got home. You were not expected to look after younger siblings, or serve your sisters hand and foot while they sat around like lords of the house. Neither did you have to help your mother in the kitchen, in household work, etc as a duty, and as training for your future.

·         You were never the one who had to stand around, waiting hungry -- with fathers and uncles -- while people much older than you ate their meals. You were never the last to be served, eating whatever was left. You did not even have to think about hurrying through the meal, sharing, or saving a little bit for the siblings of the wrong gender who were waiting for you to finish. You ate your fill and took your time. If nothing was left for them to eat, or if they had to wait hungry for a long time… well, that was not your problem. If there was one egg in the fridge, you got the omelet. If there was one chocolate, you ate it.

·         You could talk to your friends, even brag, about the changes brought about in your body by puberty. Your mom never asked you to keep it a secret, or to pretend you had no idea what others were talking about when they discussed it. You weren’t ashamed of the changes in your body and didn’t try to hide changes in loose fitting clothes. Puberty didn’t curtail what little freedom you had, and didn’t make you more of a prisoner in the home. In fact, puberty made a MAN out of you, and gave you more voice in the home, more power to make your own decisions, and to participate in those of the family. It didn’t seem like the beginning of the end, as a signal for the end of your life and the beginning of life as a lowly spouse/son-in-law.

·         You were not, henceforth, excluded from the kitchen and prevented from worshipping, for a particular few days every month.

·         Temples, like the Ayappa temple at sabarimalai do not exclude you from even entering their premises for 40 yrs of your life.

·         Your mother did not keep track of your physical processes, counting days and asking pointed questions if you were ever even a day late

·         If you have a bad day or are in a bad mood, people don’t automatically say “men are so moody, who knows what they will say/do”. They also don’t automatically assume that all irritation, anger, and negative reaction to their asinine behavior that you show or experience is because of “that time of the month”.

·         Your ability to make important decisions and your capability in general will never be questioned depending on what time of the month it is.

·         You were not expected/trained to “hold it” in to an unhealthy limit, no matter how badly you needed to go to the bathroom. This unhealthy practice, leading to severe health problems in many cases, was never forced on you. There are adequate public toilets for your use. If there isn’t one, you are encouraged to just stand up anywhere.

·         There are enough toilets for your gender in schools, so that you do not have to drop out of school when you hit puberty.

·         No one leers at you and makes nasty lascivious jokes loud enough to make sure you hear, when you go to a store for pads/contraception. Buying contraception does not automatically make you available for the men behind the counter to fantasize about and leer at (since it proves that you are sexually active)

·         You have never had to do a gauri vrat, or a series of 16 somvars, fasting and worshiping specific gods/goddesses to get a good spouse in the future.

·         You were not married off to an old woman in your childhood “for your own protection”.

·         Getting and staying married is not the most important priority society assigns to you.

·         You are not expected to forget 20+ yrs of upbringing, lifestyle, beliefs, freedoms, tastes, and completely change your personality to become someone else.

·         Your parents have never been relegated to second class citizens in your life. You are not expected to forget about your own home, family, parents, siblings, and serve those of your spouse, even if it hurts or harms your people. You are not supposed to love someone else’s parents more than you love your own. You are not restricted from helping or taking care of your own parents unless your spouse/in laws allow you to do so.

·         You will never be expected to change your surname, and sometimes even your first name upon marriage. If you don’t, you will not be questioned by family, friends, and mystified strangers why you don’t change your name.

·         Your in-laws don’t dictate how you dress, what you eat, and whether you can go out to work.

·         You are not required to publicly advertise your marital status, marking you as someone’s property, with sindoor, mangalsutra, shakha, pola, noa, thali, etc.

·         No one else can dictate or control your body. No one else gets to decide when you conceive, what sort of protection you use, if any, and whether or not you have an abortion. Such decisions are made for you, BY you. Not by your spouse or in-laws.

·         If you decide not to have children, your masculinity, and your humanity will not be questioned.

·         If you have children, you will not be expected to provide primary care for them, and your masculinity and humanity will not be called into question if you choose not to care for them.

·         If you do provide primary care for your kids, you will be held up as an example of extraordinary parenting – even if you are only marginally competent. Regular, boring and repetitive jobs such as changing diapers and feeding will be considered your partner’s.

·         If you have children and also choose to have a career, no one will think that you are selfish for not staying at home to take care of your kids.

·         If you are straight and decide to have children with your partner, you can assume this decision will not affect your career in any way whatsoever. If career sacrifices are needed to raise the kids, chances are much higher that the career sacrificed will be that of your spouse.

·         Household chores, by default, will not be considered only your domain, especially the most repetitive and unrewarding tasks, they will be relegated to your spouse.

·         In a household where both partners work full-time, you are not the partner who is expected to cook and clean when they get home after a full day’s work, even if your job is more demanding than that of your spouse.

·         After work, you will not be expected to go straight home to look after your spouse, kids and in-laws. You can go to your friends’ houses, to parties, to clubs, or simply to hang out and relax, without being branded a selfish person, and a bad spouse, or a bad parent or a bad son in law.

·         If you and your partner have to live separately for some reason, like different places of work, it is assumed and considered normal that the kids will stay with their mother, regardless of her workload, available free time, etc.

·         If you go to a doctor specializing in “your” complaints, even as a 40 year old, they do not ask for your wife. They consider you capable of making your own decisions.

·         You can adopt a child. Within a marriage, you cannot be prevented from choosing adoption as an option by either your spouse or your in laws. The law also recognizes your right to adopt. While your partner can only “give consent”, she cannot apply for adoption.

·         If you are straight, you are not very likely to be emotionally, physically, and sexually abused by your partner. Nor will you be told, by your family, by cops, by courts, and by society in general to continue living in an abusive household for the sake of your children.

·         Marital rape is not an issue for you. You can express desire without being called a whore, and can say no to sex without being called frigid or being forced or beaten into submission.

·         Domestic violence is not a huge likelihood in your life. Unlike 70% of Indian women, your spouse will not regularly degrade, insult, and beat you. Neither will people assume that this is normal/ok/justified/deserved behavior on their part.

·         You don’t have to pretend to be dumb to stroke your wife’s/girlfriend’s ego. You can show that you are smarter.

·         If you earn more than your wife, or are promoted to a bigger post than hers she will be proud. This will not lead to ego hassles, domestic trouble, or divorce.

·         When your friends ask you why you won’t do something, your answer is never going to be, “Because my in-laws/husband won’t allow me to do it.”

·         You have far more choices even in choosing your spouse in an arranged marriage.

·         Losing your spouse to divorce or death is not the end of your entire world and your way of life. You are not expected to change all lifestyle upon the death of your spouse (giving up colored clothes, eating insipid, vegetarian, non exciting food, etc), and you will not be stigmatized for divorce.

·         If you are a widower or divorcée with kids, you don’t have to give up all hopes of companionship/ love/ remarriage. In fact, chances are that you will be remarried before the year is out.

·         Sexual harassment is not a constant reality of your life.

·         You can walk aimlessly around without having to plan your route and avoid certain streets/areas, at certain times of day/night. Nor do you have to ask people to accompany you even in broad daylight, if you have to go to certain places.

·         You can be certain that no woman will suddenly walk up to you and try to fondle/ pinch your privates on the street. Faceless entities will not constantly grope you in buses, trains, and everywhere else.

·         When you pick your outfit for the day (assuming your mom isn’t the one doing it), you don’t have have to run over your mental list of to-do’s for the day and wonder if it involves being around a certain kind of men or in a certain kind of area or returning back to home at a certain time of day, and then wonder if your outfit is appropriate considering all those factors.

·         You can dress how you want, without your character being questioned, and without your dress sense, or outfit being used as a defense for your rapist.

·         You do not live your life in the constant fear/expectation of rape. You do not have to constantly mistrust anyone and everyone of the opposite gender. If you are walking alone down the road, and someone of the opposite gender just happens to be on the same route, you need not automatically feel anxious/ threatened.

·         If you do get raped, you will not be expected to kill yourself or become a “zinda laash” whose life is as good as over.

·         No one will make assumptions about your sexual availability based on whether you drink or smoke or party or on the basis of the gender of your friends.

·         A total stranger upon seeing/hearing that you smoke, drink, or have friends who are primarily not of your gender, will not accuse you of being a blot on the name of Indian-ness. Neither will they insult you for it.
.    A total stranger, seeing you minding your own business and quietly smoking in a corner, will not walk up to you and ask"do you want to talk? are you depressed? why are you smoking? can i help you?"
.    Strangers will not follow you back home from the neighbourhood cigarette shop, because they "know" that women who smoke are loose, so you must be easy game.

·         All the movies you ever watch will not portray characters of your gender –smoking/ drinking as evil, loose and bad.

·         Other movies will not show a youngster of your gender who parties, drinks, smokes, and stays out late, being “rescued” when the partner of their committed relationship asks for sex, drilling it into you that this is not something that a “bharatiya mard” will ever accept

·         You don’t have to be categorized into just two categories in your entire life – father/brother or slut/whore/loose (in fact there is no equivalent word for slut for men, and slut shaming does not have a male equivalent.

·         You can have multiple relationships (monogamous or otherwise) before marriage and not be labeled a slut or have your character questioned and your reputation tarnished.

·         Ghar/samaaj/community does not locate its izzat solely on your body. You can have a girlfriend without fear of bringing dishonor to the family name, and you can even have relationships outside marriage without fearing a disproportionate backlash. You will never be killed by your father/brother for being raped.

·         You can have sex with your girlfriend without ruining your chances for marriage in the arranged marriage market (should you be interested).

·         You will never be caned in front of the entire school for daring to like a girl, or weaving a few fantasies around her. (Said fantasies shared only with your friends, and you having never even spoken to this girl).

·         A decision to hire you won’t be based on whether or not the employer assumes you will be having children in the near future

·         For a position, when faced with a candidate of the opposite gender, you have a better chance of being hired. This will become more and more apparent the higher up you go. Ifyou do the same task as a woman, and if the measurement of the result has any subjective angle, chances are people will think that you did a better job.

·         Shopkeepers, bank employees, CAs will not talk to you in a dumbed down language of “baby sentences” . They will not automatically assume that you don’t know and can’t comprehend basic math, economics, etc

·         People don’t get uncomfortable, and seem unsure about how to handle it when – in social situations – you join in to discussions on politics, current affairs, finances/ economics and more.  

·         Magazines, billboards, television, movies, pornography, and virtually all of media are filled with images of scantily-clad women intended to appeal sexually only to you.

·         Pins to palaces, cars to concrete sellers don’t use half naked people of your gender to sell anything and everything.

·         Ads don’t constantly brainwash you to stay young, unlined, smooth skinned, no grey hair, to “keep your woman”, or to “keep the love young”.

·         You are more likely to be given a loan as sole applicant

·         When people hear that you run a business, they don’t automatically assume that it is a boutique, or a family business started by your father that you are now running, or that your partner/spouse "helps" you in it.

·         You can be careless about your appearance without worrying about being criticized at work or in social situations. Total strangers will not comment on your waxing etiquette. You are not expected to spend insane amounts of money on specific kinds of grooming, style, and appearance to fit in, even though you make less money than the opposite gender.

·         If you rise to prominence in an organization/role, no one will assume it is because you slept your way to the top.

·         Your clothing is less expensive and better-constructed than women’s clothing and tend to fit better without tailoring. So you can always find something readymade that looks good, and costs less.

·         You can go to a car dealership or mechanic and assume you’ll get a fair deal and not be taken advantage of, even if you don’t know anything about cars.

·         Expressions and conventional language reflects your gender in positions of authority, (e.g., “all men are created equal”, chairman, etc) and reflects the opposite gender badly (e.g., hysteria, “don’t be such a girl”, etc). Most curse words are not insults/comments on your gender/gender roles/body parts. (in India, most swear words you can think of are likely to be an insult to a female family member, or a part of the female anatomy).

·         Every major religion in the world is led by individuals of your gender. Even God, in most major religions, is pictured as male. You can practice religion without subjugating yourself or thinking of yourself as less because of your gender because most major religions state that a man should be the head of a household, while his wife and children should be subservient to him. While most of them also preach that women are born impure, evil, and so on.

·         You have the automatic social right to have your kids brought up in your religion, even if your spouse professes a different one.

·         You can be loud without being called a shrew, and be aggressive without being called a bitch.

·         You can ask for, and get, legal protection from violence that happens mostly to men without being seen as a selfish special interest case. 

·         Violence that affects you is labeled “crime” and is a general social concern. Violence that happens mostly to women is usually called “domestic violence” or “acquaintance rape,” and is seen as a special interest issue.

·         When you go to the cops to register a complaint about such violence, you can at least get a complaint registered. You don’t have to fear that they wont register, or that they will perpetrate the same violence on you.

·         You can eat as much as you like, in public, without attracting comment.

·         Complete strangers generally do not walk up to you on the street and comment on your weight, looks, appearance, complexion, clothes. Nor do they stand by the side of the road and pass lewd comments

·         Total strangers do not assume the right to say things like “you are pretty/goodlooking /hot/attractive. How come you are not married?” as if looks is all you are good forand marriage all you should aspire towards.

·         You can be careless with your money and not have people blame it on your gender.

·         You can be a careless driver and not have people blame it on your gender.

·         You can be confident that your coworkers won’t assume you were hired because of your gender.

·         Your gender does not make it less likely for you to get promoted.

·         You can expect to be paid equitably for the work you do, and not paid less because of your gender.

·         If you are unable to succeed in your career, that won’t be seen as evidence that your gender should not be in the workplace

And last … and definitely the most important, you have the privilege of being unaware of male privilege. You take all of these things for granted, while half of humanity has to fight very hard to get even a few of these basics.