How do we handle THE CRAZY?

Unresolved Mental Health Issues: Repercussions for the community, and what can we do about it?

Wednesday, late evening, I am on my way back from college. In the middle of an extremely lively conversation with the three colleagues sharing the ride with me, the phone rings. It is an unfamiliar number, but it could be a client, potential client, or something else that is equally important, so I pick up.

An extremely distraught female voice begins to yell at me immediately. No hello, no introductions, not even a name, just a rapid rant along the lines of “you are out to get me! You have been destroying my relationships one by one! What is your problem bitch! Why are you trying to destroy my life! Etc etc”. flabbergasted, to say the least, I demand to know who is speaking, and what the hell they are on ABOUT! She bursts out with “oh! Now you deny knowing me too! You are getting in the way of my relationship with S! and A!” The names are unfamiliar. I cannot offhand remember anyone so close to me – by those names – that I can be accused of breaking up a relationship. I say as much. She counters with “what lies! There are photographs after photographs of you with them!” I am still convinced this is a case of mistaken identity so I ask her who she thinks she is talking to. “this is Jia right” comes the aggressive reply, “don’t pretend, I know everything”. At this point, convinced that this is some crazy person I am talking to, and having no energy to deal with other people’s drama after a long ass day, I disconnect.

About 30 seconds later, I see a post by a woman I vaguely know, in an activist forum WhatsApp group saying “Jia is saying she does not know me”. So, at least the mystery of WHO is solved. The WHY and WHAT remain unresolved, since I barely know this woman to talk to. Other than forum meetings and the odd event that both of us have turned up for, I have no relationship here. As for the two men she was talking about, one – A – is a sort of friend, and one is a peripheral, friend of a friend sort of acquaintance one makes online when worldviews and activism work matches and overlaps and there is some mutual “like” giving on posts that resonate. S is someone I have spoken to for maybe a total of 5 minutes in as many years, at various community and other events.

Unwilling to engage in a public forum, and frankly not seeing the point of engaging with meaningless and baseless drama, I call one of the moderators of the forum instead, a senior activist and sort-of dada to us all. When I explain what just happened, the bizarre call, the weird accusations, he says “oh, so she’s fixated on you now”. Turns out, for the last many years, this woman has pulled this stunt with numerous “female” activists and social warriors, regardless of their gender identity, sexual orientation, or actual level of acquaintance with the men in question. Also, of the two men all these women are supposed to be “breaking her up” with, one is gay, and one extremely uninterested.

S, the object of her primary obsession, is a friend of a friend, and when I tell my friend the story, she tells me how this woman has been systematically stalking S for years, sending her parents to his house to “talk marriage”, appearing at paces he frequents, going to watch him go for his daily run, pestering his mother, and a lot more, all without the slightest sniff of anything resembling any sort of relationship whatsoever.

Now, I am loath to use words like crazy or mad, but the anger and sense of violation I felt with that one call brought only such words to the forefront of the mind. There is also an element of fear. If this woman is so delusional, and makes a habit of targeting and fixating on people, what could she possibly do whether or not I engage with her on this matter. The community so far seems to have practiced a policy of “just ignore it”, which I find problematic. But if I do engage, will that escalate her behavior? And how much danger does that put me and mine in?

People have apparently been witness to or victim of this behavior of hers for years, and no one has said or done anything. This seems iffy to me. Clearly there are some huge unresolved mental health issues at work here. Not only is she deluding herself into imagining one or more relationships where none exist, but is also paranoid enough to believe random people are trying to break those relationships apart and destroy her life. Everything else apart, stalking apart, my discomfort apart, this woman clearly needs help, and she needs it yesterday!

So the question going round and round in my head since Wednesday is what do we – as a community, whether queer or activist, or just the social milieu she occupies – do about this? O e just follow the “not my business” model of thought and ignore the uncomfortable behavior and issues until they escalate to dangerous levels? Or is there some way we can help. Is there some kind of intervention that can be staged? Some action to be takes? Is that possible? Ethical? Feasible? And if so, who will bell the cat? I really think it is time we started having these conversations, and trying to figure it out, as a community.