Unresolved
Mental Health Issues: Repercussions for the community, and what can we do about
it?
Wednesday,
late evening, I am on my way back from college. In the middle of an extremely
lively conversation with the three colleagues sharing the ride with me, the
phone rings. It is an unfamiliar number, but it could be a client, potential
client, or something else that is equally important, so I pick up.
An extremely
distraught female voice begins to yell at me immediately. No hello, no
introductions, not even a name, just a rapid rant along the lines of “you are
out to get me! You have been destroying my relationships one by one! What is
your problem bitch! Why are you trying to destroy my life! Etc etc”. flabbergasted,
to say the least, I demand to know who is speaking, and what the hell they are
on ABOUT! She bursts out with “oh! Now you deny knowing me too! You are getting
in the way of my relationship with S! and A!” The names are unfamiliar. I
cannot offhand remember anyone so close to me – by those names – that I can be
accused of breaking up a relationship. I say as much. She counters with “what
lies! There are photographs after photographs of you with them!” I am still
convinced this is a case of mistaken identity so I ask her who she thinks she
is talking to. “this is Jia right” comes the aggressive reply, “don’t pretend, I
know everything”. At this point, convinced that this is some crazy person I am
talking to, and having no energy to deal with other people’s drama after a long
ass day, I disconnect.
About 30
seconds later, I see a post by a woman I vaguely know, in an activist forum WhatsApp
group saying “Jia is saying she does not know me”. So, at least the mystery of
WHO is solved. The WHY and WHAT remain unresolved, since I barely know this
woman to talk to. Other than forum meetings and the odd event that both of us
have turned up for, I have no relationship here. As for the two men she was talking
about, one – A – is a sort of friend, and one is a peripheral, friend of a
friend sort of acquaintance one makes online when worldviews and activism work
matches and overlaps and there is some mutual “like” giving on posts that
resonate. S is someone I have spoken to for maybe a total of 5 minutes in as
many years, at various community and other events.
Unwilling
to engage in a public forum, and frankly not seeing the point of engaging with
meaningless and baseless drama, I call one of the moderators of the forum
instead, a senior activist and sort-of dada to us all. When I explain what just
happened, the bizarre call, the weird accusations, he says “oh, so she’s
fixated on you now”. Turns out, for the last many years, this woman has pulled
this stunt with numerous “female” activists and social warriors, regardless of
their gender identity, sexual orientation, or actual level of acquaintance with
the men in question. Also, of the two men all these women are supposed to be “breaking
her up” with, one is gay, and one extremely uninterested.
S, the
object of her primary obsession, is a friend of a friend, and when I tell my
friend the story, she tells me how this woman has been systematically stalking
S for years, sending her parents to his house to “talk marriage”, appearing at
paces he frequents, going to watch him go for his daily run, pestering his
mother, and a lot more, all without the slightest sniff of anything resembling
any sort of relationship whatsoever.
Now, I am
loath to use words like crazy or mad, but the anger and sense of violation I felt
with that one call brought only such words to the forefront of the mind. There is
also an element of fear. If this woman is so delusional, and makes a habit of
targeting and fixating on people, what could she possibly do whether or not I engage
with her on this matter. The community so far seems to have practiced a policy
of “just ignore it”, which I find problematic. But if I do engage, will that
escalate her behavior? And how much danger does that put me and mine in?
People have
apparently been witness to or victim of this behavior of hers for years, and no
one has said or done anything. This seems iffy to me. Clearly there are some
huge unresolved mental health issues at work here. Not only is she deluding
herself into imagining one or more relationships where none exist, but is also
paranoid enough to believe random people are trying to break those
relationships apart and destroy her life. Everything else apart, stalking
apart, my discomfort apart, this woman clearly needs help, and she needs it
yesterday!
So the
question going round and round in my head since Wednesday is what do we – as a
community, whether queer or activist, or just the social milieu she occupies –
do about this? O e just follow the “not my business” model of thought and
ignore the uncomfortable behavior and issues until they escalate to dangerous
levels? Or is there some way we can help. Is there some kind of intervention
that can be staged? Some action to be takes? Is that possible? Ethical? Feasible?
And if so, who will bell the cat? I really think it is time we started having these conversations, and trying to figure it out, as a community.
