When
one begins to talk, write or think about sexual violence (as i decided
to do HERE), it can be a massive undertaking. There are so many forms
of sexual violence women (often men, and frequently all other genders as
well) have to face everyday, that a comprehensive analysis is a
gargantuan project. I have no illusions that i can analyse it all in
any kind of complete way. I just want to examine my thoughts,
opinions, experiences and emotions on the range of sexual violence
that people have to face everyday. The only way i can even imagine
trying to do this is piece by piece, facet by facet.
The
earliest, longest lasting, most pervasive form of sexual violence
most humans face is Child Sexual Abuse (CSA). And yes, boys face as
much of it, are as much as risk from it, as girls, and non conforming kids of all genders, trans kids, are all at high risk. It's not something
we like to think or talk about. The idea of children at risk, coming
to harm, being permanently and deeply scarred and damaged, is not
something any parent, or sensitive human being, would like to face.
And when we do talk about it, as we have just started doing, thanks
to TV talk shows, exposure to global news and current affairs, and
“human interest” pieces in the print media – we still think of
it as something to protect girls from. Yes, girls need protection,
but so do boys, and transkids and other gender variant kids, or queer kids (but then recognising that anything other than boys and girls even exist is a whole different struggle in the making in our
country).
We
persistently shy away from the thought that "boys" might be at risk
too. It goes against everything conditioned into us by patriarchy.
Boys/men are never weak enough to be victimised after all. And they
shouldn't be, right? Men as abusers of boys is also something we dont like to
think about, bringing, as it does, the whole “homosexual” spectre
to the forefront of our minds (another myth – that all gay men are
potential abusers or that all male abusers are gay. They are not.
Abusers are a category by themselves. They are either on a power
trip, or are pedophiles, or both.) As for a woman as abuser? That's
possibly an even worse and more uncomfortable thought to get our
minds around. Women are supposed to be weak, the victims, the pairon ki
jooti, in patriarchy. Alternatively they are supposed to be the maa, the devi, or other backhhanded ways of keeping her subservient and without real power. Being an abuser assigns some agency, some
power, some authority to the abuser...like it or not... and we don't
like the thought of that.
We also
persistently warn our children (when we do so at all) to “not speak
to/take sweets from strangers”. Yet, statistics show that most of
the perpetrators of CSA are people known to the child, trusted by the
child and the family. They are people who are so much a part of the
family or social circle that they are trusted to be alone with the
kid for various lengths of time. They are uncles, aunts, neighbours,
tutors, teachers, family friends, caregivers, domestic help, doctors,
and so many other people. And this in itself makes CSA such a
devastating thing for the child. The child's entire world view is
threatened and destroyed when someone who is supposed to keep it
safe, protect it from “strangers”, take care of it, actually
abuses and tortures the child. These are people with authority over
the child, people the child is taught to respect and obey, which
makes the situation worse. No matter how much discomfort or guilt or
shame or disgust the child feels over what is happening, he/she/ze
feels the pressure of that conditioning to obey, to do what they are
told, to silently bear the abuse. This leads to further lifelong
guilt at their own inability to prevent the abuse, or stop it, a
sense of having deserved such treatment, shame, and a total
destruction of self esteem.
Telling
is the toughest thing for any survivor of sexual abuse. Given the
personal, intimate nature of the crime, and our glaring taboos with
regard to anything to do with our bodies or sex, it can be almost
impossible to comprehend the abuse as abuse, and even if they do
recognise that, it is not easy to talk. In a society where a child
cannot ask – or get a clear answer for – where it came from,
where girls routinely have hysterics at school at first menstruation
because no one told them anything and they think they are hurt,
seriously ill, or dying, where the TV channel is switched every time
there is an ad for a menstrual hygiene product or a kiss on screen,
where we NEVER use the correct words to name body parts that have
anything to do with sex, childbirth, feeding, and so on, how is the
child supposed to get up the courage to tell its parents of sexual
abuse? Where is the child supposed to even find the language to
understand what is happening to him/her/ze, let alone tell someone?
If the
child does manage to tell someone, somehow, chances are they will not
be believed. I have seen and counselled so many survivors who did
tell, and who were punished for it, or simply disbelieved, told not
to make up such horrible stories about such-and-such
uncle/aunty/bhaiya. They were scolded, threatened, told not to be
such bad children. Imagine what that does to the child. Not only do
they have to live through a nightmare they will carry with them
lifelong, not only do they have to find ways to survive and deal with
things that will scar them forever, they also have to deal with the
disbelief, the lack of trust, from other adults that they trusted
enough to tell.
Society
and the predators also take advantage of our basic sqeamishness and
discomfort with these topics to deflect blame from where it lies. So
organisations like NAMBLA can claim that some boys want/need to be
sexual with adult men, while judges of one of the foremost justice
systems in the world assign ridiculous sentences to abusers because
the girl was “older than her chronological age” and supposedly
tempted/seduced a man 30 years her senior, an adult. Or repeated rapists of teenagers get away with no prison time because they need
to be “rehabilitated” after a “light” crime.
We
forget one basic fact. The adult is the person with power, in
authority, and therefore with responsibility. The child may not know
enough to resist, the child may even instigate or enjoy sexual acts, it is still abuse, because the child does not know the full
implications and repercussions – physical, emotional, and mental – it is
the responsibility of the adult to not go there, to put a stop to it. We do not allow
a child under our care to eat as much ice cream as he/she/ze wants,
even though it loves the ice-cream, wants it, begs for it. Why?
Because we know what the child doesn't – it will harm them, make
them sick. Precisely the same logic of responsibility applies to sexual acts (not comparing CSA to too much ice cream in any way). The adult MUST take the responsibility for the power imbalance.
And
yet, society looks the other way, or actually blames the child! When
it comes to sex, we are all massive hypocrites, and nowhere is it
more evident than in the way we handle cases of sexual violence, and
our attitude towards it. No wonder it comes to light so rarely.
Children hardly ever tell, and even as adults, most never acknowledge
or talk about their abuse. It takes years and years for even an adult
to be able to discuss abuse in anything more than vague and general
terms. It even takes someone like me – so bold, open, frank,
brutally straight forward, never mincing words, writing about so many
taboo things – years and years to write about it. It takes months
of trepidation even after i make the decision, it takes shying away
every time i sit down to write, it takes avoidance – doing anything
else to avoid actually writing, and in the end i am still
uncomfortable getting too personal.
It is
not surprising then, that as many as an estimated 90% of child sexual
abuse cases are never reported, never brought to light. The children
just continue to be abused, often by a series of abusers, often over
a long period of time, sometimes even years. These children just
survive the experience in any way they can manage, and go on to live
whatever type and quality of life they can manage as grown ups. They
are forced to deal with their demons and their trauma on their own.
From my own experiences, from my friend circles, and from the large
number of people i have informally counselled over 20 something years, i am forced to think that 60-70
percent of adults, including men, and all other genders (the proportion is higher in gender/orientation variant people often as PUNISHMENT for their variance) have endured some form and duration
of abuse, or at least an attempt at sexual abuse, as children.
Worldwide statistics support this estimate too.
These
are NOT isolated incidents, they are not RARE, they are NOT too few
to be talked about. I dont know of many people who HAVEN'T faced it,
and i know a lot of people. On the contrary, it is ESSENTIAL and
IMPERATIVE that we talk about it, that we face the reality, that we
recognise the truths of Child Sexual Abuse. Only then can we have any
hope of protecting our children from it.
CSA is
not isolated. It is happening all around us, all the time.
CSA
does not happen only to girls, boys are equally at risk, all genders are at risk.
Abusers
are not monster-like strangers who can be recognised at a glance.
They are freindly, nice, amiable, seemingly trustworthy. They are
friends, relatives, caregivers, authority figures.
Abusers
are not all men. Although a majority are male, there are many women
abusers too.
No
matter what the perpetrator says, the child IS the victim, and it IS
a crime
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